Honesty.
Honesty is quite the conundrum. Living with honesty is quite difficult.
Because in order for you to live with honesty, or maybe a better word to describe it would be Integrity- means you have to confront aspects of yourself that are both good, and bad.
And sometimes when you aren't able to confront the aspects of yourself that's disappointed you. Then you actually really begin to live a lie.
Lie.
Deep down, if we are aware enough of what drives us, what truly drives us then we realize that we do not necessarily want to live by the values that have been thrust upon us. Or in this case more appropriately - values that we've adopted as defence mechanisms.
Like - oh I'm just not cut out for working with people in SMU. Or that I'm just not one to care about appearances. Or that being popular and making many friends is not something I actually really want.
Then slowly but surely we start to dissociate ourselves and give ourselves excuses - oh it's all fine, i'll be okay myself. digging myself into the hole. Hating my existence in the place, and not reaching out to expand myself.
Hiding behind the guise of "there is no right answer in life", we rationalize our excuses for living less; being less than who we could be. And giving multitudes of excuses - i'm too poor now, i need to focus on a instead of b. Or i'm just not cut out for this specific subject abcxyz.
But deep down, the truth always sorta prevails. We get triggered at certain scenarios, conditions, confrontations, THINGS that happen outside that are mirrors of versions of ourselves that we've lost. Or never even fully dared to pursue in the first place.
How foolish, and how fearful.
Then as time goes by, those parts of us start to die, those dreams start to fade, and we end up lesser than what we could be, should be, are.
How pathetic.
We rationalize and say we accepted the circumstance, that we chose it.
These are the words of an dishonest man, one who has turned his head from life, and decided to bury a hole in the ground, and stick his head into it. Ignorant and afraid.
In the eternal words of Gibran - I am become the puritan. The deadliest of them all. Deadly because I've expounded higher values to cover up the fear of effort and industry.
So how, oh how can the soul truly be bare, and bathe naked in this toxic place?
I am bereft. I am truly bereft. Of course the soul is not heartened. Of course the fire is quelched,
What lies I've fed to my own heart. How I've abused and neglected my body.
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. and it must follow as the night the day,
THOU CANST NOT THEN BE FALSE TO ANY MAN.
Of all people, I should fucking know better.
Thursday, 15 June 2017
Tuesday, 11 April 2017
Starting New Things Is An Addiction
My personal addiction.
Starting things and not seeing them through.
THE END.
Starting things and not seeing them through.
THE END.
LEARNING POINTS
1. Take advantage of the early points of class to catch up beyond the current syllabus
2. Ensure that midterm preparations begin 3 weeks before midterms - Week 4
3. Use the midterm opportunity to master the first half of the subject
4. On a weekly basis, after each class, read up and understand the concepts learnt.
5. Day 1: Re-summarize class learnings in separate notes + Give practice questions a try
6. Day 2: Memorize class learnings and re-do practice questions
7. Day 7: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions
8. Day 14: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions
I think this is how all the top students top their classes. It's not that they're geniuses. Even so I've not seen one yet LOL
Okay next sem i'm going to take alot of finance mods to buff up.
Cheerio fags
2. Ensure that midterm preparations begin 3 weeks before midterms - Week 4
3. Use the midterm opportunity to master the first half of the subject
4. On a weekly basis, after each class, read up and understand the concepts learnt.
5. Day 1: Re-summarize class learnings in separate notes + Give practice questions a try
6. Day 2: Memorize class learnings and re-do practice questions
7. Day 7: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions
8. Day 14: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions
I think this is how all the top students top their classes. It's not that they're geniuses. Even so I've not seen one yet LOL
Okay next sem i'm going to take alot of finance mods to buff up.
Cheerio fags
Monday, 10 April 2017
The truth
And i guess i must admit that since JC i was afraid. Afraid to compete with these academic powerhouses, content to stick in the place I'm most comfortable in, with nobody to judge me, to push me, but myself.
The darkest sides of my soul knows that i gave it up in part for the love of entrepreneurship but also the fear of competition and failure.
For failing at this stage will relegate me to the dogs. Outcast and separate from those who can. And then what of my promised land? Where would be my milk and honey?!
So no. Don't compete Fred. You know you will lose. Stay safe in your own way. Walk your own path. That way nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. Take it late, rush every time papers near, so if you fail it would not be because you're not good enough. But because you didn't have enough time.
And in this process, forsake also the learning and growth these developing years affords you. Choose to learn from elsewhere instead.
Forsaken.
So now we all know don't we. The fraud I've made myself out to be.
This has to stop. The joke can't continue. The facade is cracking. The curtain is falling.
Oh demons. It's time again to face you. May i summon the strength in me to fight.
New York New York
I wanna wake up in a city that doesn't sleep and find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap.
I'll make a brand new start of it, in ole New York..
If i can make it there i can make it anywhere...
It's up to you, New York New York.
The discovery of delusion. When you realise all your "competence" or "confidence" is quite falsely obtained, that you have a very long way to go, is quite demoralizing.
Yet it offers the attractiveness of the promise of new beginnings. Of new starts I guess.
But starting anew again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again can't lead to a wonderful life can it.
Does it not only lead to pain and regret and wasted opportunity?
In this sense i must thank Chloe. For pushing me to work on areas I've chosen to ignore.
And this leads to another question. What more of forge?
-
Neuros
Knutson had proven that dopamine is for action, not happiness. The promise of reward guaranteed that participants wouldn't miss out on the reward by failing to act. What they were feeling when the reward system lit up was anticipation, not pleasure.
Evolution doesnt give a damn about happiness itself but will use the promise of happiness to keep us struggling to stay alive.
And so the promise of happiness- not the direct experience of happiness- is the brain's way to keep you hunting, gathering, working and wooing.
There are few things ever dreamed of, smoked, or injected that have as addictive an effect on our brains as technology.
This is how our devices keep us captive and always coming back for more.
Our reward system gets much more excited about a possible big win than a guaranteed smaller reward, and it will motivate us to do whatever provides the chance to win.
This is why people would rather play the lottery than earn 2% interest in a savings account, and why even the lowest employee in the company should make believe that he could someday be CEO.
Evolution doesnt give a damn about happiness itself but will use the promise of happiness to keep us struggling to stay alive.
And so the promise of happiness- not the direct experience of happiness- is the brain's way to keep you hunting, gathering, working and wooing.
There are few things ever dreamed of, smoked, or injected that have as addictive an effect on our brains as technology.
This is how our devices keep us captive and always coming back for more.
Our reward system gets much more excited about a possible big win than a guaranteed smaller reward, and it will motivate us to do whatever provides the chance to win.
This is why people would rather play the lottery than earn 2% interest in a savings account, and why even the lowest employee in the company should make believe that he could someday be CEO.
What's A Real Man?
IF.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
How poignant a passage, so fraught with truth and advice
Easy these words may be to speak, a lot harder to take in life
I wish I remember these phrases of old, to keep in my heart and hold
For life is a journey that crosses the pits of both the warm and cold
For life is a journey that crosses the pits of both the warm and cold
They also say that Getting Better is a Campaign
A daily, weekly, hourly FIGHT.
An incessant fight that doesnt stop-
A neverending battle against temptations, weakness, laziness.
A campaign of discipline, hard work and dedication.
It's about waking up early, going to bed late and grinding out every second in between,
Every Single Day
Once we find our discipline, guts, drive, passion and will,
there, we will find our freedom.
Monday, 3 April 2017
Nobody Said It Was Easy
It's really quite painful.
how much things start to get more and more difficult, the worse your situation gets.
pressure will pile up, layer upon layer.
details will slip. one by one.
and one day you wake up and realize, what have I done?
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2009. I would have studied harder. Much harder.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2013, I wouldn't have chased her.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2014, I would have worked harder.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2015, I would have told him earlier.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2010, I would have been more open.
I wish I didn't eschew so many things I loved and appreciate. People, social interactions, mastery in my craft. All these are now dead and gone, mere shadows of what they used to be.
Even worse, I've made enemies of allies. Turned into strangers with friends, and walked away from chances to make myself great.
And in a blink of an eye, I am 25 years old.
When I was 18 I promised myself I would be able to make it by 20. Two years is a long time. It's been 5 years since then.
Retaking the A-Levels.
Taking the Jules LOA.
Why am I such a fucking loser. Why can't I just do the things I'm presented with. Why must it hurt me so. Why do I give so many excuses?
Why am I so afraid? Why am I so dejected? Why do I reject myself?
7 years old - in Primary school - I promised not to trust people.
9 years old - at home - I promised to build a company my family would rely on. because I couldnt trust them to do it themselves.
But look at me. Look at me. Look.
How can I say I will do it convincingly? I'm crushed. Flailing. Hyperventilating. Panicking.
People who weren't the sharpest tool in the shed managed to secure a Masters in Oxford.
People who used to be relegated to hell, the scum of my school, have secured jobs as Investment Bankers.
Then what am I? What have I done? What can I do? What should I do?
Tell me.
I've no internships at name firms. I only have the path I've forged for myself. A path fraught with twists and turns, treacheries and dashed hopes. A path whose future is so foggy, I cannot say for certain whether I will make it out alive.
This and my parent's financial situation behind me.
More than having a fucked up degree, I've lost the most important thing.
I've lost belief in myself, and I'm just scrambling to grasp at straws.
In days past the old me would have said that I was playing too small. I would have tried to dean's list the damn thing just to make a point. The way I did it in Barker. But now, I didn't dare to believe any longer.
I'm afraid to believe because deep down inside I think I've already failed. I'm not enough. I don't have enough in me. I can't do it. It's too difficult. I am not talented enough.
I've choked enough times already. Failed at things I should have no problem handling. Who am I to give Chloe advice when Goldman is a firm 1000 times better than anything I've ever set foot in or even worked with?
Who am I to walk amongst men and say I know my craft, to lead people older than me. Graduates.
Am I just a charlatan?
I do not know any longer.
I'm desperate for anything to work right now. I can take anything. Give me anything and I will take it.
Please. Give me something.
I need it.
I need to respect myself again. I need things to stop falling down.
I need to stop falling down.
Stop falling down.
Stop.
Falling Down.
Stop.
Dont slip.
I can't breathe.
I can't think.
I ... I'm stuck.
help.
hlep me.
Please.
I don't know what to do anymore.
how much things start to get more and more difficult, the worse your situation gets.
pressure will pile up, layer upon layer.
details will slip. one by one.
and one day you wake up and realize, what have I done?
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2009. I would have studied harder. Much harder.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2013, I wouldn't have chased her.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2014, I would have worked harder.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2015, I would have told him earlier.
I wish I could turn back the clock to 2010, I would have been more open.
I wish I didn't eschew so many things I loved and appreciate. People, social interactions, mastery in my craft. All these are now dead and gone, mere shadows of what they used to be.
Even worse, I've made enemies of allies. Turned into strangers with friends, and walked away from chances to make myself great.
And in a blink of an eye, I am 25 years old.
When I was 18 I promised myself I would be able to make it by 20. Two years is a long time. It's been 5 years since then.
Retaking the A-Levels.
Taking the Jules LOA.
Why am I such a fucking loser. Why can't I just do the things I'm presented with. Why must it hurt me so. Why do I give so many excuses?
Why am I so afraid? Why am I so dejected? Why do I reject myself?
7 years old - in Primary school - I promised not to trust people.
9 years old - at home - I promised to build a company my family would rely on. because I couldnt trust them to do it themselves.
But look at me. Look at me. Look.
How can I say I will do it convincingly? I'm crushed. Flailing. Hyperventilating. Panicking.
People who weren't the sharpest tool in the shed managed to secure a Masters in Oxford.
People who used to be relegated to hell, the scum of my school, have secured jobs as Investment Bankers.
Then what am I? What have I done? What can I do? What should I do?
Tell me.
I've no internships at name firms. I only have the path I've forged for myself. A path fraught with twists and turns, treacheries and dashed hopes. A path whose future is so foggy, I cannot say for certain whether I will make it out alive.
This and my parent's financial situation behind me.
More than having a fucked up degree, I've lost the most important thing.
I've lost belief in myself, and I'm just scrambling to grasp at straws.
In days past the old me would have said that I was playing too small. I would have tried to dean's list the damn thing just to make a point. The way I did it in Barker. But now, I didn't dare to believe any longer.
I'm afraid to believe because deep down inside I think I've already failed. I'm not enough. I don't have enough in me. I can't do it. It's too difficult. I am not talented enough.
I've choked enough times already. Failed at things I should have no problem handling. Who am I to give Chloe advice when Goldman is a firm 1000 times better than anything I've ever set foot in or even worked with?
Who am I to walk amongst men and say I know my craft, to lead people older than me. Graduates.
Am I just a charlatan?
I do not know any longer.
I'm desperate for anything to work right now. I can take anything. Give me anything and I will take it.
Please. Give me something.
I need it.
I need to respect myself again. I need things to stop falling down.
I need to stop falling down.
Stop falling down.
Stop.
Falling Down.
Stop.
Dont slip.
I can't breathe.
I can't think.
I ... I'm stuck.
help.
hlep me.
Please.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Saturday, 1 April 2017
Back Again
But it's been hell.
Momentum is very fragile; a wrong slip could cause everything to come crashing down on my face.
I've been very unfocused the last few weeks. There were a few spots of sunshine, but come tomorrow I have no more time to sit around and not practice any longer.
Tomorrow marks the start of me doing practice papers and flash carding them the fuck up. This will be important because if not I will not be able to even pass. And i'm so stressed right now it's not even funny any longer. There's Micro, which content I will be finishing off today, and Econometrics, which I need to just practice because I've gone through the content a few times but it's the linkages between the questions that get me.
So later I'll go do Micro and Macro.
Macro - finish the Business Cycles theory + Keynesian Model + Solow Growth Model
__
Micro - Finish up Chapter 11/12 and 13/14 and all the way.
Fak
And get the goddamn questions printed mate ffs.
Ok guys bye.
Fred-
Momentum is very fragile; a wrong slip could cause everything to come crashing down on my face.
I've been very unfocused the last few weeks. There were a few spots of sunshine, but come tomorrow I have no more time to sit around and not practice any longer.
Tomorrow marks the start of me doing practice papers and flash carding them the fuck up. This will be important because if not I will not be able to even pass. And i'm so stressed right now it's not even funny any longer. There's Micro, which content I will be finishing off today, and Econometrics, which I need to just practice because I've gone through the content a few times but it's the linkages between the questions that get me.
So later I'll go do Micro and Macro.
Macro - finish the Business Cycles theory + Keynesian Model + Solow Growth Model
__
Micro - Finish up Chapter 11/12 and 13/14 and all the way.
Fak
And get the goddamn questions printed mate ffs.
Ok guys bye.
Fred-
Saturday, 18 March 2017
We have an ideal set of results
The eternal question about life is, do we achieve that?
Optimism and Pessimism colours our perspective
There's no need to hope if you're on the way there. If you want something you just go and get it.
What are things that I want but I'm not getting?
Compare myself to my 100% - What am I not getting?
Survival
Relationships
Results
Being objective isnt about how I feel - it's devoid of that feeling - Do A get result A. Simply put.
I need to stop feeling sorry and attaching so much emotion to all the shit i am doing.
Individual Subjective
Individual Objective
Collective Subjective - culture
Collective Objective - The Establishment (POWER IS HERE)
Successful selling and management skills get you wins
-Must do my work
-Must be responsible and work as hard as i can
-Be honest with myself
-Cut down distractions, addictions cover things up
-Trust the method
-Do more, and get beyond - don't touch the excuses - just fucking do it
-Fail? you fail. nothing to it. just push harder.
There are formulas to everything - and all u need to do is do
Acts of courage - don't worry and don't suppress. Just dont fucking care.
Have a peak experience everyday
Defence Mechanisms
Passiveignore
avoid
shock
freeze
play dead
denial
regression
stonewall
shutdown
Mixed
Passive-Aggressive
Renewal - Half assed keep restarting
Schizoid Fantasy
Aggressive
rationalizing - in head - "everything is ok"
justifying - out of head
lying
suspicion - think & doubt myself/person
skepticism - want proof
judging - judge others
projection - attack someone else using another image
sadistic attack
masochistic attack
hypochondriasis
gathering agreement
wilfullness - purposely show force
rebellion - overthrow
covert hostility
sarcasm
What are my default choices + sequences?
1. Judging
2. Ignore
3. Projection
4. Regression
5. Renewal
6. Lying to myself and to others
7. Shut down
8. Rationalization
-These defence mechanisms arent bad on their own. just that under different conditions, can I control them? and if I'm out of my comfort zone this stuff kicks up. It's NOT ok-
Get used to breaking comfort zone - must self impose or die
People find a way to worm their way into their Comfort Zone if they havent expanded it yet. So pay attention to when you need to stop and switch the defence mech off.
Have I stopped questioning reality? YES.
Don't stop man. The things I think are normal aren't normal and are programmed. So the big question is, who am I?
We are all schizophrenic
-we create different parts of our ego
-we have different voices in our head - the self smasher, the hopeless romantic, the raging orge, the hasty rebel, the focused leader, the immovable object, the unstoppable force, the catatonic fuck, the indulgent baby
-We dont know who we are because we are actually many people - and this is also why we do not have discipline
-Different personalities - talk about the Mansion analogy
-Chaos vs Order - truth is order takes a fuck load of effort
-All the days I took it easy, will come back and haunt and fuck me
-Khalil Gibran's The Great Sea
-I've shrunk. because i've stopped pushing against the comfort zone, expanding the comfort zone and questioning what reality truly is. With a verified test.
I have forgotten!
So what do I wanna create?
- my ideal health and body
- the experiences I still want to find
- the skills and learning i want to experience
- the organization i've founded
My company's growth is limited to my own personal growth as the founder.
-Get rid of bad habits
-Get rid of physical barriers
-AOC daily
-Consistent small actions change reality
What's my perfect day?
I wake up early to sit down and chill, and meditate, and plan what to do for the day. (I actually think my preferences and strengths and "vision" will change as I become a greater version of myself. So in this case, it's me learning shit fucking fast and well.)
Learnt some shit, expanded my consciousness through an AOC or three, run my own hedge fund? or my own tech company...
Eat some nice ass well developed food created by my own company.
Learning Mental, Physical, Intuitive, Musical skills always. Probably building a legacy sometime too.
Master my mind, to master myself, to master my reality. Be, Do, Have.
There are maps provided for the world - use a good one. and make a smart move.
Smart objectively - instead of how i "feel"
Speed has nothing to do with time. Time is something we dont yet truly understand.
To grasp principles you need to let go of your Examples - need to get a statistically significant sample size to see whether it works or no
There's a price to pay for speed - likewise a price to pay for everything else
The world does not function as a hierarchy of needs. It functions as a hierarchy of functions.
- see things for what they are, and what you do must work in this world. If it doesnt work? then you know something is wrong. Ever measured what works and what doesnt?
-Believe nothing, verify everything
-environments are compensations for people too!
-your happiness is your own, nobody can make you happy
"How do you really want to be a contribution to this world?" - only transcendence as a possibility. no end point. In opening up my own possibilities, I let others see what they can do too...
"What possibility do you offer?"
"What are you willing to do to fulfil your purpose?"
dont give up until the end. do everything i can think of. what did i notice?
X - Directly affect milestones
Y - Supporting Actions that fuel X
Z - Actions that kill me
Objectivity comes with the price of our will.
Training of will - how much control do I have in my body?
Discipline - everything is a place to be, a way to set-up
For all our goals, we need certainty.
Which means whatever I put down on paper/pixel, I make it come true no matter what.
Discipline is the ability to do whatever is necessary to make things happen
It happens every single moment in your life.
If you don't do your work, your energy will just drop. You need to get into a cycle, which is why the timetable is now crucial
Juggling time - precise, concise and tangible goals - with contingency plans, structured where you know your priorities and gain momentum.
Maintaining focus - clear distractions + clear clutter
Attitudes to hit 100%
1. The Desire
How alluring is my dream? Precise, Sharp, Concentrated. How much will I want?
2. The Will
How long can I maintain it?
Replay the end point in my mind
What opportunities are there after the dream?
3. The ability to overcome all barriers no matter what
External - environmental/exogenous
Internal - Negative conversations, dogs, lunatics, tramps, householders
Fighting my machines is linked to how much ENERGY I invest into making this work. The more energy I dedicate to a certain machine, the more power I give to the machine.
Who you are determined what you do, and what you get as results.
_______
Branding is everything - basically your life philosophy and how you live. how you dress. who you hang with. what you say. who you ARE.
Needs to be clarified
Be Constant
And be Consistent across all media
Suitable? - specialization and reliability - clear?
Visible? - Attention and awareness - constant?
Memorable? - Potential and affinity? - consistent?
Who Are You? We are not our roles
Why do we do what we do? - What is a compelling reason for others to buy the product, service or company? Why should they care?
Brand Story - real, innovative, informative and inspiring
How do we do it? - USP
What do we do exactly? - 60 Second Elevator Pitch
Who we are, what we do best and for whom do we do it?
I am a ____ (what you want people to perceive you as)who ___ (what you do best)
for ____ (your target audience)
so they can ____ (resultant impact made)
-Fill a void (emotional needs)
How can you make the world a better place?
-Create something new
-Do less. Focus on a single service and do it well.
-Collaborate with specialist partners. Become a resource, MOU and co-refer
-Evolve your business model as you and your life evolve
Brand manifesto -
Brand vision, principles and values I live by, practices that forward, grow and inspire me. Attitudes I adopt. things we teach or impart. The brand essence and promise
"Defying Gravity"
Optimism and Pessimism colours our perspective
There's no need to hope if you're on the way there. If you want something you just go and get it.
What are things that I want but I'm not getting?
Compare myself to my 100% - What am I not getting?
Survival
Relationships
Results
Being objective isnt about how I feel - it's devoid of that feeling - Do A get result A. Simply put.
I need to stop feeling sorry and attaching so much emotion to all the shit i am doing.
Individual Subjective
Individual Objective
Collective Subjective - culture
Collective Objective - The Establishment (POWER IS HERE)
Successful selling and management skills get you wins
-Must do my work
-Must be responsible and work as hard as i can
-Be honest with myself
-Cut down distractions, addictions cover things up
-Trust the method
-Do more, and get beyond - don't touch the excuses - just fucking do it
-Fail? you fail. nothing to it. just push harder.
There are formulas to everything - and all u need to do is do
Acts of courage - don't worry and don't suppress. Just dont fucking care.
Have a peak experience everyday
Defence Mechanisms
Passiveignore
avoid
shock
freeze
play dead
denial
regression
stonewall
shutdown
Mixed
Passive-Aggressive
Renewal - Half assed keep restarting
Schizoid Fantasy
Aggressive
rationalizing - in head - "everything is ok"
justifying - out of head
lying
suspicion - think & doubt myself/person
skepticism - want proof
judging - judge others
projection - attack someone else using another image
sadistic attack
masochistic attack
hypochondriasis
gathering agreement
wilfullness - purposely show force
rebellion - overthrow
covert hostility
sarcasm
What are my default choices + sequences?
1. Judging
2. Ignore
3. Projection
4. Regression
5. Renewal
6. Lying to myself and to others
7. Shut down
8. Rationalization
-These defence mechanisms arent bad on their own. just that under different conditions, can I control them? and if I'm out of my comfort zone this stuff kicks up. It's NOT ok-
Get used to breaking comfort zone - must self impose or die
People find a way to worm their way into their Comfort Zone if they havent expanded it yet. So pay attention to when you need to stop and switch the defence mech off.
Have I stopped questioning reality? YES.
Don't stop man. The things I think are normal aren't normal and are programmed. So the big question is, who am I?
We are all schizophrenic
-we create different parts of our ego
-we have different voices in our head - the self smasher, the hopeless romantic, the raging orge, the hasty rebel, the focused leader, the immovable object, the unstoppable force, the catatonic fuck, the indulgent baby
-We dont know who we are because we are actually many people - and this is also why we do not have discipline
-Different personalities - talk about the Mansion analogy
-Chaos vs Order - truth is order takes a fuck load of effort
-All the days I took it easy, will come back and haunt and fuck me
-Khalil Gibran's The Great Sea
-I've shrunk. because i've stopped pushing against the comfort zone, expanding the comfort zone and questioning what reality truly is. With a verified test.
I have forgotten!
So what do I wanna create?
- my ideal health and body
- the experiences I still want to find
- the skills and learning i want to experience
- the organization i've founded
My company's growth is limited to my own personal growth as the founder.
-Get rid of bad habits
-Get rid of physical barriers
-AOC daily
-Consistent small actions change reality
What's my perfect day?
I wake up early to sit down and chill, and meditate, and plan what to do for the day. (I actually think my preferences and strengths and "vision" will change as I become a greater version of myself. So in this case, it's me learning shit fucking fast and well.)
Learnt some shit, expanded my consciousness through an AOC or three, run my own hedge fund? or my own tech company...
Eat some nice ass well developed food created by my own company.
Learning Mental, Physical, Intuitive, Musical skills always. Probably building a legacy sometime too.
Master my mind, to master myself, to master my reality. Be, Do, Have.
There are maps provided for the world - use a good one. and make a smart move.
Smart objectively - instead of how i "feel"
Speed has nothing to do with time. Time is something we dont yet truly understand.
To grasp principles you need to let go of your Examples - need to get a statistically significant sample size to see whether it works or no
There's a price to pay for speed - likewise a price to pay for everything else
The world does not function as a hierarchy of needs. It functions as a hierarchy of functions.
- see things for what they are, and what you do must work in this world. If it doesnt work? then you know something is wrong. Ever measured what works and what doesnt?
-Believe nothing, verify everything
-environments are compensations for people too!
-your happiness is your own, nobody can make you happy
"How do you really want to be a contribution to this world?" - only transcendence as a possibility. no end point. In opening up my own possibilities, I let others see what they can do too...
"What possibility do you offer?"
"What are you willing to do to fulfil your purpose?"
dont give up until the end. do everything i can think of. what did i notice?
X - Directly affect milestones
Y - Supporting Actions that fuel X
Z - Actions that kill me
Objectivity comes with the price of our will.
Training of will - how much control do I have in my body?
Discipline - everything is a place to be, a way to set-up
For all our goals, we need certainty.
Which means whatever I put down on paper/pixel, I make it come true no matter what.
Discipline is the ability to do whatever is necessary to make things happen
It happens every single moment in your life.
If you don't do your work, your energy will just drop. You need to get into a cycle, which is why the timetable is now crucial
Juggling time - precise, concise and tangible goals - with contingency plans, structured where you know your priorities and gain momentum.
Maintaining focus - clear distractions + clear clutter
Attitudes to hit 100%
1. The Desire
How alluring is my dream? Precise, Sharp, Concentrated. How much will I want?
2. The Will
How long can I maintain it?
Replay the end point in my mind
What opportunities are there after the dream?
3. The ability to overcome all barriers no matter what
External - environmental/exogenous
Internal - Negative conversations, dogs, lunatics, tramps, householders
Fighting my machines is linked to how much ENERGY I invest into making this work. The more energy I dedicate to a certain machine, the more power I give to the machine.
Who you are determined what you do, and what you get as results.
_______
Branding is everything - basically your life philosophy and how you live. how you dress. who you hang with. what you say. who you ARE.
Needs to be clarified
Be Constant
And be Consistent across all media
Suitable? - specialization and reliability - clear?
Visible? - Attention and awareness - constant?
Memorable? - Potential and affinity? - consistent?
Who Are You? We are not our roles
Why do we do what we do? - What is a compelling reason for others to buy the product, service or company? Why should they care?
Brand Story - real, innovative, informative and inspiring
How do we do it? - USP
What do we do exactly? - 60 Second Elevator Pitch
Who we are, what we do best and for whom do we do it?
I am a ____ (what you want people to perceive you as)who ___ (what you do best)
for ____ (your target audience)
so they can ____ (resultant impact made)
-Fill a void (emotional needs)
How can you make the world a better place?
-Create something new
-Do less. Focus on a single service and do it well.
-Collaborate with specialist partners. Become a resource, MOU and co-refer
-Evolve your business model as you and your life evolve
Brand manifesto -
Brand vision, principles and values I live by, practices that forward, grow and inspire me. Attitudes I adopt. things we teach or impart. The brand essence and promise
"Defying Gravity"
Friday, 17 March 2017
Day 38: Yeah
Clutter Cleared Thus Far:
Next steps for the biz is on this blog.
Checked with paypal re: transfer of money
todo: plan study schedule for Micro Macro and Econometrics
practice spanish for 30 mins today
eat fruits only for detox
BATHE u fking animal!
ok.
Today's objectives are to complete Econometrics Assignment 2, and to practice spanish and to summarize smart pricing.
_____
I realize that my junior/compadre is a MFA Scholar. HAHA he won the PSC scholarship and will be deferring military service to go to LSE instead.
WHAT IF'S WE MEET AGAIN.
ok stahp pls.
Next steps for the biz is on this blog.
Checked with paypal re: transfer of money
todo: plan study schedule for Micro Macro and Econometrics
practice spanish for 30 mins today
eat fruits only for detox
BATHE u fking animal!
ok.
Today's objectives are to complete Econometrics Assignment 2, and to practice spanish and to summarize smart pricing.
_____
I realize that my junior/compadre is a MFA Scholar. HAHA he won the PSC scholarship and will be deferring military service to go to LSE instead.
WHAT IF'S WE MEET AGAIN.
ok stahp pls.
Day 37: Integrity
I have fallen off the bandwagon.
Fuck this shit.
I need to restore Integrity and this is how I will do it.
Clearing Clutter:
I will list down daily 5 clutter/s I clear
(Settle HP Bill, Buy a fucking book stand, get a fucking backpack that works with all my shit, settle chloe, READ smart pricing, talk to massi about pricing game theory, set up consults with all profs once a week next week and twice the week after,
Daily Damnits:
I will sleep at 11pm and wake up at 6am DAILY
I will attend a fitness first class a day
I will study at least 8 hours a day
I will not eat any fried food or processed sugars
I will Check Off one thing on the business plan
I will silence my phone and stick to the fucking game plan
I will not let myself get detracted by interruptions
I will make a log of my time and the things Ive done (on paper)
I will meditate in the morning and evenings daily
Business Plan
**Create CRM and Schedule our instructors ALREADY**
**Start Selling!**
70% quantum on the pre-existing market out there
1. Finish Pitch Deck for Investors
- Section by Section Breakdown
- Finish marketing spiels playbook from examples
- Brand it as super friendly and super community-like
- Revenue / Costings Plan / Projections
2. Set up meetings with one investor a week (Call)
- Jeff Chi
- Eddie Chau
- Kwok Yuen
3. Change website to reflect different audiences
- O Levels / General Learning / Professional Upgrading
- Include ease of use CRM + Payment
4. Operations
- Create an Operations SOP
- Learn from Examples
- Set up Bank Account + Create payment gateways / POS's / Administrative Sets / Data Mining tool
CIOAA / SCS / NTUC / NYC / SINDA / IMDA / PRIVATE SCHOOLS / ACSI / ACJC / ACS (INTL) / ACS(P) / ACS(J) / Digipen / SST / NUS (HIGH) / Schools that DONT offer coding - use a seasoned educator to make inroads / Certification Body? / PRESCHOOL MARKET OMG / Maker Faire Thingy / SUTD /
5. Logo & Brand Image
-Forge Logo
-Rename First Principles?
6. Manpower and Skillsets to Acquire or Build
- Digital Marketing
- Sales (Taylor)
- Teaching/Education
- Coding Tutors (One on One)
- Accounting/Finance
- Art
- Foreign Hires strategies - The People overseas who can speak english and understand technology and can teach in XYZ manner - Banglas, Indons, Malaysians (Our Salary here is much higher)
7. Create content strategies for FP
- Media Strategy
- Book Publishing strategy
- Tech Symposium / White Papers / Commentary on the State of Technology / Work w Big HR guys to determine skills of the future / Evolution of Jobs / Future Ready Economy Symposium
- Tech Appreciation Nights - Speakers talk about technology / serves as previews for our courses
- Where the fak to get volunteers
8. Guerilla Marketing Strategies
1. What's the purpose of my marketing? - What single act do I want the customer to take? (come for a free trial class dumbass)
2. What's the SINGLE best Competitive Advantage? (Personalized one-on-one classes for their child in technology. Technology training ground) - "Tech Mentor"
3. Who's my real target market? (Parents who want to enrich their children with skills of the future)
4. List of Marketing Weapons:
Digital Marketing Calendar, Identity, Stickers, Personal Letters, Maximized WOM referrals, Personalized Emails, Blogs, E-Books, Joint Ventures, MEDIA ATTENTION, Video Testimonials, Published Articles, Textbooks, Employee Attire, Teaching Abilities, Stories, Benefits List, Competitive Advantages, EZ Access to Capital, Lead Buying, Brand Name Awareness, Positioning, Name, Meme, EASE for Customer w/ uncompromising value, quality, service, selection, MOU, MONTESSORI 2.0, attention to detail
5. What do I stand for? - "When people think of my brand what do they think?" - TOP QUALITY (long term, healthy, nurturing, well thought out, best-in-class, credible)
6. What's My Identity? - What do I truly stand for? - Love, Activism, Empowerment, Human Right
7. What's my marketing budget as % of gross revenue?
Positioning: says what my clients want so they bash my door down - their perception.
Who is my target market, what am I really selling? -- Does the position offer a benefit they really want? Is it an honest to goodness benefit? Does it truly separate me from my competitors? Is it unique or difficult to copy?
Need a better name - Page 273
Mantra: "Freedom Through Technology"
What one thing can I say that positions me as the only company in the world that can do it? (Making the Steve Jobs of tomorrow)
Make it Profit Oriented
Aim my strengths directly at weaknesses of the competitors
(Bachelors only, rigourous screening, most no of instructors in SG, industry partnered and verified, customized and individualized for each child, proper early childhood development advice)
Don't Let Price Lead the damn thing
TV Radio etc
MAKE A PARENTS SUPPORT GROUP?
PARENT/CHILD KITS & PRODUCTS / LESSON MODULES (videos) - sell at 75 per pack - get from China
copywriting tips
-benefits list
-Know: customers, current events, prospects, economic trends, competition, our own offerings, equivalent business elsewhere, our community, our own industry, successful advertising,
-think: INDIVIDUAL
-copy must be: readable, strategic, motivating, informative, clear, honest, simple, competitive, specific, believable
Exec Summ
1. Problem - opportunity and pressing problem
2. Solution - what's my answer
3. Business Model - Who are my customers, how will I make money?
4. Underlying Magic - What makes us special?
5. Marketing and Sales Strat - what's the go to market strat?
6. Competition - who are they? what can we do that they cant? what can they do that I cant?
7. Projections
8. Team
9. Status and Timeline
Pitch
"This is what my company does ___" - Get investors thinking about potential of the company, and size of the market
TIPS:
Projections are likely unrealistic
XYZ going to sign us - play the card only after purchase order is signed
If key employees are ready to rock and roll, get them to call up and say this shit. if not, dont just say. provide testimonials
State we have relevant industry experience, are going to do whatever it takes to succeed, surround ourelves with advisors and directors who are proven and will step aside when necessary
Show realistic appreciation for the difficulty of building a big company
Strategy Tips:
compnies need to mnge better the uncertinties tht coloer ech strtegic decision
Companies cant predict the future - exogenous shocks will always subject themselves
Commitments that all successful strategies entail and the uncertainties attendant to those commitments - rest of soln lies in calibrating focus of each level of hierarchy to the uncertainties it faces - more senior, longer time horizons -
Address your firm's risk profile and address it appropriately
Bizplan
focus on exec summ
write for my own purposes
make it solo
pitch then plan
20 pages max
one page projection +key metrics
write deliberate, act emergent
Financial Projections
underpromise overdeliver
forecast from bottom up - revenue wise
dont go beyond 12 - 18 mths
reforecast every 3 mths
Dont let costs run ahead of revenue
collaborate with investors
think in terms of per unit profitability
plan for marketing costs - it's a marketing equation
create a one page report - stick to it
never ever miss a cost projection
EXECUTION
SMART Goals
Take away all foo foo goals
Communicate the goals
Establish single point of responsibility for goals
Follow through on an issue until done or irrelevant
Reward achievers
Establish culture of execution
Listen to the adult supervision
SELL DIRECT TO CUSTOMER
NAME
Letters early in alphabet
Employ verb potential
Sound Different Spell Different
Logic
Avoid Trendy
Avoid Generic
The Art of Branding
Seize Moral High Ground
Create ONE message
Speak in terms my parents will understand
Focus on PR - Evangelism
Frame by being true to yourself, "damning with faint praise, align with core values and draw first blood
_____
Be the Gorilla
Sell, dont enable buying - Seminars, Presentations by Execs and schmoozing
Find key influencers
Give customers less information - let them engage in wishful thinking
Make prospects talk
Disrupt then reframe
Cut the hype
Enable Test Drives
Provide a Safe, Easy first Step
Evangelism
ACSBR PSG
The key to great evangelism is a great product -
Deep - can last long, not a singular function
Intelligent - Intentionally Well Designed
Complete - All aspects, documentation, feedback about progress, teacher's POV, Online Communities, GREAT TOTAL USER EXPERIENCE
Elegant - works the way people expect it to - incorporate ECI model
Emotive - Incites action - Deep, indulgent complete; people bring good news to help others - make beauty - the children are our product
---> Evangelists - a way of life, where they totally love products and sees it as a way to bring the "good news" - A love of the cause is 2nd most important, 1st is the QUALITY of the cause
Look for agnostics, ignore atheists - people usually get it in first 10 minutes or never get it at all. dont bother changing minds
Localize the pain - people buy aspirins or vitamins to supplement their lives
Learn to give a great demo - excite
Ignore pedigrees
Dont Lie
Give evangelists schwag
_____
PR
Editor chooses, or what reporter WANTS to cover
Know what the reporter is interested in, angle the solution
High-level access and storyline relevant to readers
_____
Snr Eng - 0.3 - 0.7
Midlevel Eng - 0.2 - 0.4
Product Manager - 0.2 - 0.3
Architect - 1.0 - 1.5
VP - 1.5 - 3.0
CEO "adult supervision" - 5 - 10%
Fuck this shit.
I need to restore Integrity and this is how I will do it.
Clearing Clutter:
I will list down daily 5 clutter/s I clear
(Settle HP Bill, Buy a fucking book stand, get a fucking backpack that works with all my shit, settle chloe, READ smart pricing, talk to massi about pricing game theory, set up consults with all profs once a week next week and twice the week after,
Daily Damnits:
I will sleep at 11pm and wake up at 6am DAILY
I will attend a fitness first class a day
I will study at least 8 hours a day
I will not eat any fried food or processed sugars
I will Check Off one thing on the business plan
I will silence my phone and stick to the fucking game plan
I will not let myself get detracted by interruptions
I will make a log of my time and the things Ive done (on paper)
I will meditate in the morning and evenings daily
Business Plan
**Create CRM and Schedule our instructors ALREADY**
**Start Selling!**
70% quantum on the pre-existing market out there
1. Finish Pitch Deck for Investors
- Section by Section Breakdown
- Finish marketing spiels playbook from examples
- Brand it as super friendly and super community-like
- Revenue / Costings Plan / Projections
2. Set up meetings with one investor a week (Call)
- Jeff Chi
- Eddie Chau
- Kwok Yuen
3. Change website to reflect different audiences
- O Levels / General Learning / Professional Upgrading
- Include ease of use CRM + Payment
4. Operations
- Create an Operations SOP
- Learn from Examples
- Set up Bank Account + Create payment gateways / POS's / Administrative Sets / Data Mining tool
CIOAA / SCS / NTUC / NYC / SINDA / IMDA / PRIVATE SCHOOLS / ACSI / ACJC / ACS (INTL) / ACS(P) / ACS(J) / Digipen / SST / NUS (HIGH) / Schools that DONT offer coding - use a seasoned educator to make inroads / Certification Body? / PRESCHOOL MARKET OMG / Maker Faire Thingy / SUTD /
5. Logo & Brand Image
-Forge Logo
-Rename First Principles?
6. Manpower and Skillsets to Acquire or Build
- Digital Marketing
- Sales (Taylor)
- Teaching/Education
- Coding Tutors (One on One)
- Accounting/Finance
- Art
- Foreign Hires strategies - The People overseas who can speak english and understand technology and can teach in XYZ manner - Banglas, Indons, Malaysians (Our Salary here is much higher)
7. Create content strategies for FP
- Media Strategy
- Book Publishing strategy
- Tech Symposium / White Papers / Commentary on the State of Technology / Work w Big HR guys to determine skills of the future / Evolution of Jobs / Future Ready Economy Symposium
- Tech Appreciation Nights - Speakers talk about technology / serves as previews for our courses
- Where the fak to get volunteers
8. Guerilla Marketing Strategies
1. What's the purpose of my marketing? - What single act do I want the customer to take? (come for a free trial class dumbass)
2. What's the SINGLE best Competitive Advantage? (Personalized one-on-one classes for their child in technology. Technology training ground) - "Tech Mentor"
3. Who's my real target market? (Parents who want to enrich their children with skills of the future)
4. List of Marketing Weapons:
Digital Marketing Calendar, Identity, Stickers, Personal Letters, Maximized WOM referrals, Personalized Emails, Blogs, E-Books, Joint Ventures, MEDIA ATTENTION, Video Testimonials, Published Articles, Textbooks, Employee Attire, Teaching Abilities, Stories, Benefits List, Competitive Advantages, EZ Access to Capital, Lead Buying, Brand Name Awareness, Positioning, Name, Meme, EASE for Customer w/ uncompromising value, quality, service, selection, MOU, MONTESSORI 2.0, attention to detail
5. What do I stand for? - "When people think of my brand what do they think?" - TOP QUALITY (long term, healthy, nurturing, well thought out, best-in-class, credible)
6. What's My Identity? - What do I truly stand for? - Love, Activism, Empowerment, Human Right
7. What's my marketing budget as % of gross revenue?
Positioning: says what my clients want so they bash my door down - their perception.
Who is my target market, what am I really selling? -- Does the position offer a benefit they really want? Is it an honest to goodness benefit? Does it truly separate me from my competitors? Is it unique or difficult to copy?
Need a better name - Page 273
Mantra: "Freedom Through Technology"
What one thing can I say that positions me as the only company in the world that can do it? (Making the Steve Jobs of tomorrow)
Make it Profit Oriented
Aim my strengths directly at weaknesses of the competitors
(Bachelors only, rigourous screening, most no of instructors in SG, industry partnered and verified, customized and individualized for each child, proper early childhood development advice)
Don't Let Price Lead the damn thing
TV Radio etc
MAKE A PARENTS SUPPORT GROUP?
PARENT/CHILD KITS & PRODUCTS / LESSON MODULES (videos) - sell at 75 per pack - get from China
copywriting tips
-benefits list
-Know: customers, current events, prospects, economic trends, competition, our own offerings, equivalent business elsewhere, our community, our own industry, successful advertising,
-think: INDIVIDUAL
-copy must be: readable, strategic, motivating, informative, clear, honest, simple, competitive, specific, believable
Exec Summ
1. Problem - opportunity and pressing problem
2. Solution - what's my answer
3. Business Model - Who are my customers, how will I make money?
4. Underlying Magic - What makes us special?
5. Marketing and Sales Strat - what's the go to market strat?
6. Competition - who are they? what can we do that they cant? what can they do that I cant?
7. Projections
8. Team
9. Status and Timeline
Pitch
"This is what my company does ___" - Get investors thinking about potential of the company, and size of the market
TIPS:
Projections are likely unrealistic
XYZ going to sign us - play the card only after purchase order is signed
If key employees are ready to rock and roll, get them to call up and say this shit. if not, dont just say. provide testimonials
State we have relevant industry experience, are going to do whatever it takes to succeed, surround ourelves with advisors and directors who are proven and will step aside when necessary
Show realistic appreciation for the difficulty of building a big company
Strategy Tips:
compnies need to mnge better the uncertinties tht coloer ech strtegic decision
Companies cant predict the future - exogenous shocks will always subject themselves
Commitments that all successful strategies entail and the uncertainties attendant to those commitments - rest of soln lies in calibrating focus of each level of hierarchy to the uncertainties it faces - more senior, longer time horizons -
Address your firm's risk profile and address it appropriately
Bizplan
focus on exec summ
write for my own purposes
make it solo
pitch then plan
20 pages max
one page projection +key metrics
write deliberate, act emergent
Financial Projections
underpromise overdeliver
forecast from bottom up - revenue wise
dont go beyond 12 - 18 mths
reforecast every 3 mths
Dont let costs run ahead of revenue
collaborate with investors
think in terms of per unit profitability
plan for marketing costs - it's a marketing equation
create a one page report - stick to it
never ever miss a cost projection
EXECUTION
SMART Goals
Take away all foo foo goals
Communicate the goals
Establish single point of responsibility for goals
Follow through on an issue until done or irrelevant
Reward achievers
Establish culture of execution
Listen to the adult supervision
SELL DIRECT TO CUSTOMER
NAME
Letters early in alphabet
Employ verb potential
Sound Different Spell Different
Logic
Avoid Trendy
Avoid Generic
The Art of Branding
Seize Moral High Ground
Create ONE message
Speak in terms my parents will understand
Focus on PR - Evangelism
Frame by being true to yourself, "damning with faint praise, align with core values and draw first blood
_____
Be the Gorilla
Sell, dont enable buying - Seminars, Presentations by Execs and schmoozing
Find key influencers
Give customers less information - let them engage in wishful thinking
Make prospects talk
Disrupt then reframe
Cut the hype
Enable Test Drives
Provide a Safe, Easy first Step
Evangelism
ACSBR PSG
The key to great evangelism is a great product -
Deep - can last long, not a singular function
Intelligent - Intentionally Well Designed
Complete - All aspects, documentation, feedback about progress, teacher's POV, Online Communities, GREAT TOTAL USER EXPERIENCE
Elegant - works the way people expect it to - incorporate ECI model
Emotive - Incites action - Deep, indulgent complete; people bring good news to help others - make beauty - the children are our product
---> Evangelists - a way of life, where they totally love products and sees it as a way to bring the "good news" - A love of the cause is 2nd most important, 1st is the QUALITY of the cause
Look for agnostics, ignore atheists - people usually get it in first 10 minutes or never get it at all. dont bother changing minds
Localize the pain - people buy aspirins or vitamins to supplement their lives
Learn to give a great demo - excite
Ignore pedigrees
Dont Lie
Give evangelists schwag
_____
PR
Editor chooses, or what reporter WANTS to cover
Know what the reporter is interested in, angle the solution
High-level access and storyline relevant to readers
_____
Snr Eng - 0.3 - 0.7
Midlevel Eng - 0.2 - 0.4
Product Manager - 0.2 - 0.3
Architect - 1.0 - 1.5
VP - 1.5 - 3.0
CEO "adult supervision" - 5 - 10%
Saturday, 11 March 2017
Day 29: Let There Be Light
I need to commence some detox regime -
Instant gratifications have led me to a path of hell.
Though I would like to adopt a more long-term perspective, I'm going to take an extreme approach just so I can build momentum + I don't have time.
1. Detox Social Media
2. Detox Youtube
3. Time Journal Every Bracket of time for maximal consciousness and tracking - on paper for now.
4. Detox computer time - If I am not doing work, I do not get on the computer
5. I will get 1.5 hours of game/digital time online
6. If I am doing work, I should do it with only one internet tab open and one workstation tab open
Let's see where this leads me.
Fred-
Instant gratifications have led me to a path of hell.
Though I would like to adopt a more long-term perspective, I'm going to take an extreme approach just so I can build momentum + I don't have time.
1. Detox Social Media
2. Detox Youtube
3. Time Journal Every Bracket of time for maximal consciousness and tracking - on paper for now.
4. Detox computer time - If I am not doing work, I do not get on the computer
5. I will get 1.5 hours of game/digital time online
6. If I am doing work, I should do it with only one internet tab open and one workstation tab open
Let's see where this leads me.
Fred-
Day 28: Whiling away and inertia
I was supposed to get something done while meeting with Stanley but it appears that I've gotten quite messed up.
Stanley has this crazy chaotic lunatic machine... that can cannibalize energies and spaces. Fucking lame.
So I'm just trying to get shit in place and get things going but though well-intentioned, it comes across very forced and unnecessarily rigid. 0 flow whatsoever.
Seriously.
So I ended up wasting a large part of yesterday with these shenanigans. Please remind me that when I meet him I must give him a very specific direction and instructions. Open ended teamwork brainstorming doesn't work the best with the guy.
Okay.
Then I came home and wasted time. The End.
Stanley has this crazy chaotic lunatic machine... that can cannibalize energies and spaces. Fucking lame.
So I'm just trying to get shit in place and get things going but though well-intentioned, it comes across very forced and unnecessarily rigid. 0 flow whatsoever.
Seriously.
So I ended up wasting a large part of yesterday with these shenanigans. Please remind me that when I meet him I must give him a very specific direction and instructions. Open ended teamwork brainstorming doesn't work the best with the guy.
Okay.
Then I came home and wasted time. The End.
Thursday, 9 March 2017
Day 27: What's going on? / 32 DAYS BEFORE FINALS / 30 TOPICS TO COVER
I realize that I've been super inefficient recently. Like it doesnt matter what i've been doing- Like other than the spanish test this Monday the rest of the week was spent whiling away to be honest.
That's fucking fucked up. I need to turn back to the days of the start of this blog... where I was at least trying to be efficient and studying really hard.
Got back my midterms results for microecons and its a fucking piece of shit.
I need to clear the space and my energy, and email the profs for all my mods to turn on catch-up mode. If not I will get rekt.
From now till 12 - 15 April (Finals) and the attendant assignments - I think I'm going to fail a majority of my mods if I don't truly catch up. Fuck me.
32 DAYS BEFORE FINALS
That's fucking fucked up. I need to turn back to the days of the start of this blog... where I was at least trying to be efficient and studying really hard.
Got back my midterms results for microecons and its a fucking piece of shit.
I need to clear the space and my energy, and email the profs for all my mods to turn on catch-up mode. If not I will get rekt.
From now till 12 - 15 April (Finals) and the attendant assignments - I think I'm going to fail a majority of my mods if I don't truly catch up. Fuck me.
32 DAYS BEFORE FINALS
I will leave today and tomorrow to clear up the biz related work - then have to start working on the exams once again.
Today -
1. Finish the paddy shit
Today -
1. Finish the paddy shit
2. Meet Xavier
3. Email professors - Arrange Consults for after lunches - 1pm onwards each day, weekly.
4. Translate Spanish Script
5. Get started on Macroeconomics - Look through the notes
6. Think about getting andy to freelance some shit up, or any other artist friend of his - 2D Art
Tomorrow -
1. Walk through SM Content with Stannis
2. Create content calendar
3. Get ready to prepare a marketing budget for the SM Calendar
Fucking shit. It's like I try to do both but end up not being able to do so. URGH
3. Email professors - Arrange Consults for after lunches - 1pm onwards each day, weekly.
4. Translate Spanish Script
5. Get started on Macroeconomics - Look through the notes
6. Think about getting andy to freelance some shit up, or any other artist friend of his - 2D Art
Tomorrow -
1. Walk through SM Content with Stannis
2. Create content calendar
3. Get ready to prepare a marketing budget for the SM Calendar
Fucking shit. It's like I try to do both but end up not being able to do so. URGH
Day 26: Birthdays
Was an okay day, not bad with lots of time spent but the money equation always comes into play - limits our choices and causes no small amount of undue stress on each other. Sigh.
Painful times.
But times we can go through. Had a crazy a f gym session thats still hurting lol wtf chloe is damn fit.
Spartan Workout apparently.
400m run, 20 pushups, 20 lunges each leg + bulgarian bag, 20 deadlifts with 30kg total, 20 crunches and 20 ball smashes (LOL). x 4
at my fat fuck state i think i almost died.
then we went to im kim and ate like fucking kings, and i figured out the best way to cook the meats so proud. so nice. omg.
NEXT TIME GO AGEIN
Painful times.
But times we can go through. Had a crazy a f gym session thats still hurting lol wtf chloe is damn fit.
Spartan Workout apparently.
400m run, 20 pushups, 20 lunges each leg + bulgarian bag, 20 deadlifts with 30kg total, 20 crunches and 20 ball smashes (LOL). x 4
at my fat fuck state i think i almost died.
then we went to im kim and ate like fucking kings, and i figured out the best way to cook the meats so proud. so nice. omg.
NEXT TIME GO AGEIN
Day 25: People Watching
I love people watching. It's really Linda calms me down and gives me space to focus. Call me old school but there's this serenity where you sit down in front of office blocks as people walk by you.
And I'm reminded that in the midst of an impossible winter, as long as I live congruent to my values there will exist an eternal, never-ending summer.
And also reminded that without my own volition for my life and without making a strong choice that I own, I can hardly call my life mine.
And regardless of whether my team feels discouraged or whether obstacles come down raining... I am reminded that the mission I embark on is one of defiance.
And one that will take decades to happen. Haha. I need to take a fucking chill pill and spend time on the things that matter... The things that truly inspire and the things that I know are important.
With this in mind life becomes very simple. And takes on a clarity that I've not felt in a while... And a serene peace.
Good.
Now this is living.
I hope you find yours too bro. Jiayou for your interview later.
Monday, 6 March 2017
Day 24: Archangels
And today I spoke to an angel.
Kylie came back to suddenly want to talk to me... and we caught up, and she's just the sweetest. My emotional connection with her is very strong, and I think that contributed much into the results of the session.
We started talking but ended up with coaching. And I'm so glad I have met someone like her. And perhaps sad that she's moved on with someone else. HAHA.
But then again the timing wasn't right and I wasn't ready for it.
So yeah.
But she's one of the people I can interact with on a very deep emotional level... + consciousness, it becomes something else entirely. Which is good because our talks have been very productive thus far.
We started talking about chloe. What conclusions did we come to?
1. She's a little emotionally stunted
2. Her thought processes are quite warped/siao siao.
3. Hard to feel a connection with her emotionally.
Which are things that I've felt deep down but never dared to say.
I... realize that when meeting her friends or going out with her I feel quite embarrassed of her. In the sense that I know emotionally she's rubbing people the wrong way, or that she's a little emotionally retarded...
And yet I keep giving and hoping for progress. Why? At the cost of myself, my family and my dreams and my life.
I realize after this talk with K that I've forgotten about my own wellbeing, and that Ive been giving too much away. Too much to too many people... and neglecting myself.
Is this true? It is... it is very true. And I am paying a very high price.
She talked about boundaries and self respect, needs, wants and tanks and what is an affordability. Well... these are concepts and perspectives that are not new to me. I already know these things.
I cannot afford. I want more emotional connection, support for entrepreneurship, and a more conscious existence.
And the reason why I am entering into relationships that are fucking crazy - is because I am trying to save someone whom I didn't manage to save back then. My dear dear mummy. Whom I love so much.
I am now entering relationships looking for stronger women / demanding women who will want to get their way, and I will punish myself by placating them, and giving in to them for their ways. Why? Because I am trying to right the wrong that I perceived back then. That I need to save mi madres.
wow. Kahyan, and now Chloe. Toxic is so many different ways, but in many ways also the same.
What is going on?
Other than this I need to ascertain my baseline and my macro focus for my life. What my equation is, and whether or not this relationship fits into my equation.
Well. I already know the answer.
I can't see myself marrying her as of now. What makes me think she will change?
Ugh.
Kylie came back to suddenly want to talk to me... and we caught up, and she's just the sweetest. My emotional connection with her is very strong, and I think that contributed much into the results of the session.
We started talking but ended up with coaching. And I'm so glad I have met someone like her. And perhaps sad that she's moved on with someone else. HAHA.
But then again the timing wasn't right and I wasn't ready for it.
So yeah.
But she's one of the people I can interact with on a very deep emotional level... + consciousness, it becomes something else entirely. Which is good because our talks have been very productive thus far.
We started talking about chloe. What conclusions did we come to?
1. She's a little emotionally stunted
2. Her thought processes are quite warped/siao siao.
3. Hard to feel a connection with her emotionally.
Which are things that I've felt deep down but never dared to say.
I... realize that when meeting her friends or going out with her I feel quite embarrassed of her. In the sense that I know emotionally she's rubbing people the wrong way, or that she's a little emotionally retarded...
And yet I keep giving and hoping for progress. Why? At the cost of myself, my family and my dreams and my life.
I realize after this talk with K that I've forgotten about my own wellbeing, and that Ive been giving too much away. Too much to too many people... and neglecting myself.
Is this true? It is... it is very true. And I am paying a very high price.
She talked about boundaries and self respect, needs, wants and tanks and what is an affordability. Well... these are concepts and perspectives that are not new to me. I already know these things.
I cannot afford. I want more emotional connection, support for entrepreneurship, and a more conscious existence.
And the reason why I am entering into relationships that are fucking crazy - is because I am trying to save someone whom I didn't manage to save back then. My dear dear mummy. Whom I love so much.
I am now entering relationships looking for stronger women / demanding women who will want to get their way, and I will punish myself by placating them, and giving in to them for their ways. Why? Because I am trying to right the wrong that I perceived back then. That I need to save mi madres.
wow. Kahyan, and now Chloe. Toxic is so many different ways, but in many ways also the same.
What is going on?
Other than this I need to ascertain my baseline and my macro focus for my life. What my equation is, and whether or not this relationship fits into my equation.
Well. I already know the answer.
I can't see myself marrying her as of now. What makes me think she will change?
Ugh.
Sunday, 5 March 2017
Day 23
as a matter of fact i am now quite depressed AGAIN.
Yay me.
fucking machines are damn strong, I need to want to disarm them and not give in so much.
I also need to do my goddamn spanish homework and prepare for the test, which I am not exactly prepared for ugh.
And focus on doing things relating to the business plan later today so I can meet Xavier and discuss productively.
He could be our genuine CTO tbh.
--
But last night i relapsed again, and sprained my back. while sneezing summore.
fucking joty - joke of the year.
KNN
The emotions are going wild as usual; I don't wanna live like this.
Yay me.
fucking machines are damn strong, I need to want to disarm them and not give in so much.
I also need to do my goddamn spanish homework and prepare for the test, which I am not exactly prepared for ugh.
And focus on doing things relating to the business plan later today so I can meet Xavier and discuss productively.
He could be our genuine CTO tbh.
--
But last night i relapsed again, and sprained my back. while sneezing summore.
fucking joty - joke of the year.
KNN
The emotions are going wild as usual; I don't wanna live like this.
What have I done? Don't Look Back.
What have I done?
Today I found out that one of my closer friends, Julian is about to buy his first condominium. Meaning, he's about to buy his first house, and he's younger than I am.
How does that make me feel?
Honestly?
Jaded. Jealous. Upset at myself. Definitely inferior - I haven't told my girlfriend that yet, because if I did she would compare me and sing his praises. Afterall, amongst most of my inner circle, she's his most outspoken supporter.
He's younger than I am by a year, and I've spoken to him multiple times as a senior to a junior. But if I truly sit down and think of his circles - he's evolved quite a bit this time. Hanging out with the most successful bankers around... definitely a good move.
He's been playing his pieces well, and in a focused dedicated manner. From securing his academics in a safe course, to pushing himself to work for his father, to making friends and linking up with others whom he might be able to add value to, and whom add value to him.
How have I been playing my pieces?
-I've focused on two things at once, tearing myself apart. - not achieving greatness in one or the other.
-I've been moshing around with my girlfriend, not sure if I'm getting married with her or not.
-I've been wasting time, wasting two years - A Levels + Jules
-I've squandered the money earned during the Jules period on expenses spent for the Jules period.
-I've no longer term financial goals as of now, other than the inexplicably far away idea that I want to be a billionaire.
-Have I truly made progress? No. I have not. I've moved from stupid experience to stupid experience, and I fear I am labelling it as "experience" or paying my dues, or getting the needed expertise.
But this is not how experience is gained.
I need to remember before I do anything, what I am willing to put in, what I want to get out of, and when are my stop-points.
I have been living very sloppily.
I have not been striving to improve my circles. I adopt an arrogant stance towards everyone. I adopt a very irresponsible view towards my own university education. How can I say that I am someone who wants to lead the world forward towards newer frontiers?
How?
I know I am able to interact with people on the Chief Executive level because oftentimes I understand and can grasp the issues they face, the big picture strategic considerations. But proximity to power does not indicate power...
And I always mistake the two...
And mas importantes, I am a cocky motherfucker. I think I hide behind my cockiness because I don't want to admit that I may not be as great as I think I am. Oh it is so easy to eschew responsibilities for a more arrogant view.
The fucking emperor with no clothes. That's what I am right now. A walking talking hypocrite.
I need to admit this. Get this out of my system first. What money have I truly made?
As one of my friends has said:
"And I treat you like god, because you are so much more experienced than I am."
But what results do I have to show for all this? Truly? What results?
I set my mobile phone password to 1755 previously, because at the end of my Year 4 in SMU, I would like to graduate with 1.755 million in my bank account. I never told anybody this because I want this to be something I do well for my parents so they don't have to worry, and so that I can get started with a dece amount of money.
But the truth is that looking at the odds, looking at the different opportunities in front of me, looking at the realities of the situation...
I need to step up and don't ever look back. Don't ever look back...
That would likely help me succeed than not.
Today I found out that one of my closer friends, Julian is about to buy his first condominium. Meaning, he's about to buy his first house, and he's younger than I am.
How does that make me feel?
Honestly?
Jaded. Jealous. Upset at myself. Definitely inferior - I haven't told my girlfriend that yet, because if I did she would compare me and sing his praises. Afterall, amongst most of my inner circle, she's his most outspoken supporter.
He's younger than I am by a year, and I've spoken to him multiple times as a senior to a junior. But if I truly sit down and think of his circles - he's evolved quite a bit this time. Hanging out with the most successful bankers around... definitely a good move.
He's been playing his pieces well, and in a focused dedicated manner. From securing his academics in a safe course, to pushing himself to work for his father, to making friends and linking up with others whom he might be able to add value to, and whom add value to him.
How have I been playing my pieces?
-I've focused on two things at once, tearing myself apart. - not achieving greatness in one or the other.
-I've been moshing around with my girlfriend, not sure if I'm getting married with her or not.
-I've been wasting time, wasting two years - A Levels + Jules
-I've squandered the money earned during the Jules period on expenses spent for the Jules period.
-I've no longer term financial goals as of now, other than the inexplicably far away idea that I want to be a billionaire.
-Have I truly made progress? No. I have not. I've moved from stupid experience to stupid experience, and I fear I am labelling it as "experience" or paying my dues, or getting the needed expertise.
But this is not how experience is gained.
I need to remember before I do anything, what I am willing to put in, what I want to get out of, and when are my stop-points.
I have been living very sloppily.
I have not been striving to improve my circles. I adopt an arrogant stance towards everyone. I adopt a very irresponsible view towards my own university education. How can I say that I am someone who wants to lead the world forward towards newer frontiers?
How?
I know I am able to interact with people on the Chief Executive level because oftentimes I understand and can grasp the issues they face, the big picture strategic considerations. But proximity to power does not indicate power...
And I always mistake the two...
And mas importantes, I am a cocky motherfucker. I think I hide behind my cockiness because I don't want to admit that I may not be as great as I think I am. Oh it is so easy to eschew responsibilities for a more arrogant view.
The fucking emperor with no clothes. That's what I am right now. A walking talking hypocrite.
I need to admit this. Get this out of my system first. What money have I truly made?
As one of my friends has said:
"And I treat you like god, because you are so much more experienced than I am."
But what results do I have to show for all this? Truly? What results?
I set my mobile phone password to 1755 previously, because at the end of my Year 4 in SMU, I would like to graduate with 1.755 million in my bank account. I never told anybody this because I want this to be something I do well for my parents so they don't have to worry, and so that I can get started with a dece amount of money.
But the truth is that looking at the odds, looking at the different opportunities in front of me, looking at the realities of the situation...
I need to step up and don't ever look back. Don't ever look back...
That would likely help me succeed than not.
Saturday, 4 March 2017
It calls me
There are moments in time where you feel so connected with a subject that you know it's going to be something you dedicate your life to.
In spanish they call your work, "A que de dedicas?"
And its real, true meaning is, "the work you dedicate your life to"
And I stumbled upon a youtube video today that made me feel very strongly about what my life's work should continue to be. There is no single right answer for everyone, but there is an answer for everyone...
this just happens to be mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdUCndZfEzQ
And the song speaks of the emotion latent in my heart. It speaks of hope, possibility, yet set behind the tragic pain of growth, and subsequently, loss, and the never-ending flipside of growth-entropy. Destruction. And chaos.
In many ways the use of technology and advancement can be said to be metaphors for the battle between dark and light.
Will people use technology and the beautiful skills bestowed upon us for the greater cause? or will we succumb to our basest instincts and react out of fear?
I choose to fight.
I may not have enough right now for survival, but I won't give up walking, and I think I'll get there.
I pray to whatever Gods may be that I can do my part in this world, for this world. I can't think of anything more meaningful.
https://soundcloud.com/exurbia-1/tracks
In spanish they call your work, "A que de dedicas?"
And its real, true meaning is, "the work you dedicate your life to"
And I stumbled upon a youtube video today that made me feel very strongly about what my life's work should continue to be. There is no single right answer for everyone, but there is an answer for everyone...
this just happens to be mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdUCndZfEzQ
And the song speaks of the emotion latent in my heart. It speaks of hope, possibility, yet set behind the tragic pain of growth, and subsequently, loss, and the never-ending flipside of growth-entropy. Destruction. And chaos.
In many ways the use of technology and advancement can be said to be metaphors for the battle between dark and light.
Will people use technology and the beautiful skills bestowed upon us for the greater cause? or will we succumb to our basest instincts and react out of fear?
I choose to fight.
I may not have enough right now for survival, but I won't give up walking, and I think I'll get there.
I pray to whatever Gods may be that I can do my part in this world, for this world. I can't think of anything more meaningful.
https://soundcloud.com/exurbia-1/tracks
Day 22
Shit I woke up at 9 plus.
Probably had something to do with a sleep debt and the stupid workout yesterday.
But this whole misintegrity thing reminds me of this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYDnQwi3OQ
It's a good song that talks about heroin addiction.
But seriously even without heroin, our own machines and habits are as good as heroin.
Fuck that.
Gotta kick the habits.
Anyways, have to keep going on spanish.
Probably had something to do with a sleep debt and the stupid workout yesterday.
But this whole misintegrity thing reminds me of this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYDnQwi3OQ
It's a good song that talks about heroin addiction.
But seriously even without heroin, our own machines and habits are as good as heroin.
Fuck that.
Gotta kick the habits.
Anyways, have to keep going on spanish.
Friday, 3 March 2017
Day 21: Serious FOMO
Seriously feeling some FOMO right now.
I just realized I haven't been living my life to it's fullest like today...
When this phrase sorta hit me.
To all parents-to-be, GO AND BE FREE. GO. DO WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. TRAVEL. BE ROMANTIC. BE FRIVOLOUS. BE YOUNG. You’ll need to draw strength from these moments when *fast forward* you suddenly find yourself up at 3.26am groggy and grumpy and wondering how on earth you ended up with this little human in your arms.
And i realize i'm definitely living small. Especially with the relationship, and with how i'm doing my life.
No sense of progress, dreams all over the place... what do i truly want?
A part of me; the single part of me is screaming... I want to party. Drink. Smoke. Hang out and make (more) statements with the way I live my life... and enjoy everything god's gift to men has to offer. in all their splendour, and intricacies.
I want to go out more, be out there more, have the space and presence to make more friends in school.
My youth is slipping from me; I am 25 this year. What the fuck does that even truly mean?
It's been 7 years since J2 and TCC.
It's 70% through a decade.
Next year and it's the decade anniversary for Sec 4.
What have I done since then?
What have I experienced?
What price did I pay? For what reward?
-
All I am saying is that it's been a few years since I told myself that I wanted to truly live. Freely.
But things get more difficult as we grow older don't they? Doesn't the clarity and peace of youth slowly get replaced with the chaos, burden and uncertainty of responsibility?
They do. It does. And I'm definitely not living.
nowthisisn'tliving-
-
So what would I want to do to live?
I want to be the best version of myself physically, mentally and emotionally.
I want to play music, express myself in sound
I want to be a little bit of a stoner. HAHA like go to festivals, smoke drink and just be a little tragic for a while.
I am starting to get tired of the whole entrepreneurship narrative - it is getting old. and it is getting tiring...very tiring.
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to do stupid things with my hair
I want to travel the world, as i've said i wanted to for so long
I want to fall back in love. What I'm doing now is hardly considered as truly living. With chloe nonetheless. But with anyone else, this is sure as hell not considered living. It's existing in a fucking bubble of comfort and regression.
I dont like it at all.
I think Shawn Khuhan's got something right going on.
And honestly. It's been too long since I've actually practiced these "living" muscles.
HAHA.
Okay okay okay okay I am ultimate confronted now.
I need to do an act of courage a day. And I am obviously squelching. fuck
-
OK i posted the above at 5plus AM this morning. it's currently 4pm and I've gymmed, eaten with chloe and met the spanish ta to handle the details for monday.
I am super sleepy now, and it's strange because it's a weird timing to feel sleepy.
I chose to do my act of courage today with BodyAttack - a class held in FF. I didn't know the extent to which they relied on explosive leg movements though. I ended up with 45 minutes of ridiculous jumping, hopping, and lateral movements that pulverised my knees and legs haha.
Did it pay off? I think it did. It's good cardio and should be something I do on a daily basis.
-
Anyways, I am going to do some spanish, until about 9pm before going to sleep. :)
Fred-
I just realized I haven't been living my life to it's fullest like today...
When this phrase sorta hit me.
To all parents-to-be, GO AND BE FREE. GO. DO WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. TRAVEL. BE ROMANTIC. BE FRIVOLOUS. BE YOUNG. You’ll need to draw strength from these moments when *fast forward* you suddenly find yourself up at 3.26am groggy and grumpy and wondering how on earth you ended up with this little human in your arms.
And i realize i'm definitely living small. Especially with the relationship, and with how i'm doing my life.
No sense of progress, dreams all over the place... what do i truly want?
A part of me; the single part of me is screaming... I want to party. Drink. Smoke. Hang out and make (more) statements with the way I live my life... and enjoy everything god's gift to men has to offer. in all their splendour, and intricacies.
I want to go out more, be out there more, have the space and presence to make more friends in school.
My youth is slipping from me; I am 25 this year. What the fuck does that even truly mean?
It's been 7 years since J2 and TCC.
It's 70% through a decade.
Next year and it's the decade anniversary for Sec 4.
What have I done since then?
What have I experienced?
What price did I pay? For what reward?
-
All I am saying is that it's been a few years since I told myself that I wanted to truly live. Freely.
But things get more difficult as we grow older don't they? Doesn't the clarity and peace of youth slowly get replaced with the chaos, burden and uncertainty of responsibility?
They do. It does. And I'm definitely not living.
nowthisisn'tliving-
-
So what would I want to do to live?
I want to be the best version of myself physically, mentally and emotionally.
I want to play music, express myself in sound
I want to be a little bit of a stoner. HAHA like go to festivals, smoke drink and just be a little tragic for a while.
I am starting to get tired of the whole entrepreneurship narrative - it is getting old. and it is getting tiring...very tiring.
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to do stupid things with my hair
I want to travel the world, as i've said i wanted to for so long
I want to fall back in love. What I'm doing now is hardly considered as truly living. With chloe nonetheless. But with anyone else, this is sure as hell not considered living. It's existing in a fucking bubble of comfort and regression.
I dont like it at all.
I think Shawn Khuhan's got something right going on.
And honestly. It's been too long since I've actually practiced these "living" muscles.
HAHA.
Okay okay okay okay I am ultimate confronted now.
I need to do an act of courage a day. And I am obviously squelching. fuck
-
OK i posted the above at 5plus AM this morning. it's currently 4pm and I've gymmed, eaten with chloe and met the spanish ta to handle the details for monday.
I am super sleepy now, and it's strange because it's a weird timing to feel sleepy.
I chose to do my act of courage today with BodyAttack - a class held in FF. I didn't know the extent to which they relied on explosive leg movements though. I ended up with 45 minutes of ridiculous jumping, hopping, and lateral movements that pulverised my knees and legs haha.
Did it pay off? I think it did. It's good cardio and should be something I do on a daily basis.
-
Anyways, I am going to do some spanish, until about 9pm before going to sleep. :)
Fred-
Day 20
I did not so shit yesterday nor today.
Bad.
I went to meet jerry to drink like a fucker.
And sit around doing nuts.
I slept at 930pm last night btw.
Woke up at 12 -- thinking it was 5am.
Body clock what up?!
Then went back to sleep.
Post continues the next day. urgh
Bad.
I went to meet jerry to drink like a fucker.
And sit around doing nuts.
I slept at 930pm last night btw.
Woke up at 12 -- thinking it was 5am.
Body clock what up?!
Then went back to sleep.
Post continues the next day. urgh
Wednesday, 1 March 2017
Day 19: Still in Hell
Every damn fucking day, something fucks up in my face damn badly.
Today in the morning I woke up to a torrent of complaints from chloe, attacking me and how i cannot do this do that do a b c 1 2 3 x y z how my time management is so horrible and how i cannot get things done and action being the name of the game.
I am level 10,000 triggered right now, and I know she's right, but a part of me fucking hates the way she puts it across in an accusatory manner. Notwithstanding the fact that she was the first person to fucking shit on me in the first place. Especially since the Artemis date and it's consequent meltdown.
I am so tired of this shit. I can't even go on a break with her without having shit slung at me. What the fuck man.
Shes obviously being nice and still loves me but i think her emotions are going out of whack, and her out of whack emotions are causing me no small amount of distress in this already very distressing week.
Schoolwork, residual bullshit from hell, relationship, entrepreneurship work, family worries, catching up.
All these things are equally important and valid for me to clear as time goes by... But im having a very hard time dealing with them right now because the pressure is piling up and I'm giving myself excuses.
So if I were to stop giving myself excuses and get to work what would I do?
I would start by focusing on making plycards for spanish, and getting myself familiar with the spanish homework.
Spanish Crash Course first.
Then I need to make sure I eat well today and try to exercise.
Before I go to class and do Microecons, I need to get in at least 6 hours of spanish today, another 6 hours of spanish tomorrow.
Then the monster consult with Kartika. And then more spanish on saturday -- add another 6 hours and sunday, another 6 hours.
For the website I need to launch a second campaign changing the price and changing the CTA asap.
I know what to improve already. I think I'll do it later in the day.
All fruits today to clear up the system. eating shit has not been helpful.
kk
Fred-
Today in the morning I woke up to a torrent of complaints from chloe, attacking me and how i cannot do this do that do a b c 1 2 3 x y z how my time management is so horrible and how i cannot get things done and action being the name of the game.
I am level 10,000 triggered right now, and I know she's right, but a part of me fucking hates the way she puts it across in an accusatory manner. Notwithstanding the fact that she was the first person to fucking shit on me in the first place. Especially since the Artemis date and it's consequent meltdown.
I am so tired of this shit. I can't even go on a break with her without having shit slung at me. What the fuck man.
Shes obviously being nice and still loves me but i think her emotions are going out of whack, and her out of whack emotions are causing me no small amount of distress in this already very distressing week.
Schoolwork, residual bullshit from hell, relationship, entrepreneurship work, family worries, catching up.
All these things are equally important and valid for me to clear as time goes by... But im having a very hard time dealing with them right now because the pressure is piling up and I'm giving myself excuses.
So if I were to stop giving myself excuses and get to work what would I do?
I would start by focusing on making plycards for spanish, and getting myself familiar with the spanish homework.
Spanish Crash Course first.
Then I need to make sure I eat well today and try to exercise.
Before I go to class and do Microecons, I need to get in at least 6 hours of spanish today, another 6 hours of spanish tomorrow.
Then the monster consult with Kartika. And then more spanish on saturday -- add another 6 hours and sunday, another 6 hours.
For the website I need to launch a second campaign changing the price and changing the CTA asap.
I know what to improve already. I think I'll do it later in the day.
All fruits today to clear up the system. eating shit has not been helpful.
kk
Fred-
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
17n18 Hell
what the hell lah
work got problem
school got problem
relationship got problem
what the hell is going on.
There's just so many barriers I need to leap past to become the person im supposed to be.
it's really very scary honestly. It's something I haven't thought would be so difficult.
And im actually quite weak because the truth is that others have started, ran and sold their tuition business for close to a million before university even started. and he's younger than me.
Why am i triggered?
because i know i can do better, and that i am jealous of the person doing it. and i am jealous because i know that it's possible. and all the crap i tell myself is all fucking BULLSHIT. bullshit excuses and bullshit lies to myself to make things harder than they actually are.
what's the truth? the truth is that im definitely not stepping up and its really quite disgusting.
bear in mind i also have a fucking spanish test next monday are you kidding me.
and i need to worry about 100381942940342 other fucking issues.
im so tired of my own bullshit you have no idea.
work got problem
school got problem
relationship got problem
what the hell is going on.
There's just so many barriers I need to leap past to become the person im supposed to be.
it's really very scary honestly. It's something I haven't thought would be so difficult.
And im actually quite weak because the truth is that others have started, ran and sold their tuition business for close to a million before university even started. and he's younger than me.
Why am i triggered?
because i know i can do better, and that i am jealous of the person doing it. and i am jealous because i know that it's possible. and all the crap i tell myself is all fucking BULLSHIT. bullshit excuses and bullshit lies to myself to make things harder than they actually are.
what's the truth? the truth is that im definitely not stepping up and its really quite disgusting.
bear in mind i also have a fucking spanish test next monday are you kidding me.
and i need to worry about 100381942940342 other fucking issues.
im so tired of my own bullshit you have no idea.
Saturday, 25 February 2017
Day 15 + 16 Morning
Its obvious my consciousness and awareness has fallen off the cliff.
Shit.
Yesterday was guns n roses concert, and i did not do anything the whole day; using excuses like oh i'll get things started after GnR.
Well nothing started and my entire life is relapsing again. I need to do my weekly review this monday but nobody is keeping me accountable other than you dear readerwoof.
it's like all the clarity and gains from the past is starting to slip up 2 weeks into the interaction. It's as if i make it sound so difficult, when it actually is not that bad.
what do i know that is true but i'm not acknowledging?
_____
1. It's gonna be harder than i expect to handle the guys development of the game - the lack of momentum and being distanced makes everything difficult to coordinate, and the quality and momentum is pretty much a black box.
Yet, until we are able to get contracted properly, it's not going to be easy because it's just going to be based off commitment - and i am not sure about how committed they are yet. I am adopting a hands off perspective first, because i feel it's fair to give them the trust and faith to move things forward. But after a given checkpoint if they are not able to deliver or are not willing, then things are gonna be tough.
I need to light a fire under their asses, and I am not sure how we can get about doing this.
I will discuss with Aunty Val regarding this and see if I can get any vesting documentation up, and look at founder's dilemmas.
_____
2. I'm going to have to fuck the conman or agree to his crap.
I think im opting for fuck first, agree when i have time.
_____
3. Spanish Class
There's a huge backlog of stuff to study for and class starts tomorrow - i think i will meet the TA for a semi-consult before class to ensure I understand what's happened + email prof to let them know what happened.
Will also submit the essay and the la familia backlog that I've accumulated. I feel like an absolute turd right now - I keep absolving responsibility in the small moments to other "more important" priorities.
Which really does not help my cause.
_____
4. Econometrics Class
I am fucked up for this mod. I have so much studying I need to do and I can't get clarity because the startup is tearing me apart. I need to settle stuff and gain clarity, then get back to running the business. I need a guy on my side.
_____
5. Marketing for the Company
-Set up the website first.
-Set up the landing pages next.
-Just keep improving them and changing strategies every few weeks.
-Market courses for March holidays.
_____
6. Handling the JP conundrum
-Might need to look at a more full-time kinda person to come in and work with us
-I am thinking of undergraduate comsci students - probably some people in DP or something like that
-If not, Poly Comsci guys are also workable, but only after a strong brand is built.
_____
This is so hard to do. It's like everywhere you look there are mountains and battles to fight and fires to put out. I'm really quite worried about the work now and there's so much uncertainty going on right now.
But the goals I am gunning for:
1. Corner the tuition market for Coding
2. Start and corner the physics market for tuition - adaptive learning
3. Build the adaptive learning system and synchronize them with (2.)
_____
Challenges:
1. Loss of motivation for the guys
2. Financial management of resources
3. Energy and mindspace to handle marketing for the entire project
4. Energy and mindspace to handle studying
fuck me i am dying.
Shit.
Yesterday was guns n roses concert, and i did not do anything the whole day; using excuses like oh i'll get things started after GnR.
Well nothing started and my entire life is relapsing again. I need to do my weekly review this monday but nobody is keeping me accountable other than you dear readerwoof.
it's like all the clarity and gains from the past is starting to slip up 2 weeks into the interaction. It's as if i make it sound so difficult, when it actually is not that bad.
what do i know that is true but i'm not acknowledging?
_____
1. It's gonna be harder than i expect to handle the guys development of the game - the lack of momentum and being distanced makes everything difficult to coordinate, and the quality and momentum is pretty much a black box.
Yet, until we are able to get contracted properly, it's not going to be easy because it's just going to be based off commitment - and i am not sure about how committed they are yet. I am adopting a hands off perspective first, because i feel it's fair to give them the trust and faith to move things forward. But after a given checkpoint if they are not able to deliver or are not willing, then things are gonna be tough.
I need to light a fire under their asses, and I am not sure how we can get about doing this.
I will discuss with Aunty Val regarding this and see if I can get any vesting documentation up, and look at founder's dilemmas.
_____
2. I'm going to have to fuck the conman or agree to his crap.
I think im opting for fuck first, agree when i have time.
_____
3. Spanish Class
There's a huge backlog of stuff to study for and class starts tomorrow - i think i will meet the TA for a semi-consult before class to ensure I understand what's happened + email prof to let them know what happened.
Will also submit the essay and the la familia backlog that I've accumulated. I feel like an absolute turd right now - I keep absolving responsibility in the small moments to other "more important" priorities.
Which really does not help my cause.
_____
4. Econometrics Class
I am fucked up for this mod. I have so much studying I need to do and I can't get clarity because the startup is tearing me apart. I need to settle stuff and gain clarity, then get back to running the business. I need a guy on my side.
_____
5. Marketing for the Company
-Set up the website first.
-Set up the landing pages next.
-Just keep improving them and changing strategies every few weeks.
-Market courses for March holidays.
_____
6. Handling the JP conundrum
-Might need to look at a more full-time kinda person to come in and work with us
-I am thinking of undergraduate comsci students - probably some people in DP or something like that
-If not, Poly Comsci guys are also workable, but only after a strong brand is built.
_____
This is so hard to do. It's like everywhere you look there are mountains and battles to fight and fires to put out. I'm really quite worried about the work now and there's so much uncertainty going on right now.
But the goals I am gunning for:
1. Corner the tuition market for Coding
2. Start and corner the physics market for tuition - adaptive learning
3. Build the adaptive learning system and synchronize them with (2.)
_____
Challenges:
1. Loss of motivation for the guys
2. Financial management of resources
3. Energy and mindspace to handle marketing for the entire project
4. Energy and mindspace to handle studying
fuck me i am dying.
Friday, 24 February 2017
Day 14: Consciousness Slippage
Strange how time seems to meld into a mass of indistinguishable pasts.
Only happens when I am not keeping my eye on the prize.
Result is that I end up forgetting what I've done, and having less of a grip on reality -- coz I underestimate sunk time costs and stuff.
FUCK.
Today was an ok day, date day with the pohlis we ate so much shit and walked around alot. I'm super duper heaty - that's kinda bad I think
And I'm super duper unconscious today.
And I spent so much time building the website; at least parts of it is ready - I intend to finish everything before sleeping today.
Important to get things started because next week school starts so fuck me right.
K get back to it.
urgh
Only happens when I am not keeping my eye on the prize.
Result is that I end up forgetting what I've done, and having less of a grip on reality -- coz I underestimate sunk time costs and stuff.
FUCK.
Today was an ok day, date day with the pohlis we ate so much shit and walked around alot. I'm super duper heaty - that's kinda bad I think
And I'm super duper unconscious today.
And I spent so much time building the website; at least parts of it is ready - I intend to finish everything before sleeping today.
Important to get things started because next week school starts so fuck me right.
K get back to it.
urgh
Wednesday, 22 February 2017
Day 13: It's Harder Than Expected
My context switching penalties hurt a lot.
Like when I got my focus destroyed through the whole saga with chloe, i lost a lot of momentum in my life regarding progress in work when I dropped my integrity last saturday.
So it's been a downhill cycle ever since, and honestly i cannot say i blame her.
I can only blame myself for not watching out and being ever vigilant.
So it's been a few days worth of unconsciousness. How ironic that I am superconscious when I am forcing myself to study for my exams, and lose my space and consciousness when I adopt a more relaxed stance.
All I know is that this does not bode me well, should I continue. And it would serve me better if I sat down and started looking at the amount of schoolwork I need to do to catch up, and take total and absolute responsibility for BOTH aspects.
Once again I need to repeat to myself - to take total responsibility for both the Tech Coy and for my academics.
One excuse i keep telling myself is that my context switching penalty is very high.
Be that as it may, I cannot keep making excuses to run away from looking back at my work.
I'm afraid that looking at it, I might have forgotten all that I've done the last week -- afterall, I mass downloaded one half a textbook after this one.
I guess that's why Im procrastinating. How nice to know. Fuck.
Anyways, I still need to catch up with Spanish, get my diet in check, and do 10000 other things that have to do with the tech company, and i have a concert to go to on Saturday, an entire afternoon/evening on friday, and I just whiled away a good half of my morning.
This is why they say being disciplined is the key to everything.
Anyways, i'm going to study for 10 hours today for the misintegrity.
Jumping in, in 3...2...1-
______
Feeling as shit as ever -- seems like exams actually give me a very intense automatic push. Idk what is going on with my life right now.
URGH
Like when I got my focus destroyed through the whole saga with chloe, i lost a lot of momentum in my life regarding progress in work when I dropped my integrity last saturday.
So it's been a downhill cycle ever since, and honestly i cannot say i blame her.
I can only blame myself for not watching out and being ever vigilant.
So it's been a few days worth of unconsciousness. How ironic that I am superconscious when I am forcing myself to study for my exams, and lose my space and consciousness when I adopt a more relaxed stance.
All I know is that this does not bode me well, should I continue. And it would serve me better if I sat down and started looking at the amount of schoolwork I need to do to catch up, and take total and absolute responsibility for BOTH aspects.
Once again I need to repeat to myself - to take total responsibility for both the Tech Coy and for my academics.
One excuse i keep telling myself is that my context switching penalty is very high.
Be that as it may, I cannot keep making excuses to run away from looking back at my work.
I'm afraid that looking at it, I might have forgotten all that I've done the last week -- afterall, I mass downloaded one half a textbook after this one.
I guess that's why Im procrastinating. How nice to know. Fuck.
Anyways, I still need to catch up with Spanish, get my diet in check, and do 10000 other things that have to do with the tech company, and i have a concert to go to on Saturday, an entire afternoon/evening on friday, and I just whiled away a good half of my morning.
This is why they say being disciplined is the key to everything.
Anyways, i'm going to study for 10 hours today for the misintegrity.
Jumping in, in 3...2...1-
______
Feeling as shit as ever -- seems like exams actually give me a very intense automatic push. Idk what is going on with my life right now.
URGH
FBlog Day 12: Well Well Well sleepy
Well day 12 HAHA
Almost 2 weeks.
Had some chocolates today. Bad.
Yesterday night caught john wick - a pretty loaded action movie. well done.
This morning went to meet barker, good meeting.
Felt quite disjointed today, too much stuff to do once again, and not being able to bridge contexts, once again pisses me off.
But I gymmed today, Did back and hiit for a bit, so that's good. Tmr gon do bodyweight hiit.
I need to get cranking on econometrics. lest i fail the mod.
But im spending time trying to come up with names for the game.
LOL
I am going mad. let's end this tmr morning ok.
Almost 2 weeks.
Had some chocolates today. Bad.
Yesterday night caught john wick - a pretty loaded action movie. well done.
This morning went to meet barker, good meeting.
Felt quite disjointed today, too much stuff to do once again, and not being able to bridge contexts, once again pisses me off.
But I gymmed today, Did back and hiit for a bit, so that's good. Tmr gon do bodyweight hiit.
I need to get cranking on econometrics. lest i fail the mod.
But im spending time trying to come up with names for the game.
LOL
I am going mad. let's end this tmr morning ok.
Monday, 20 February 2017
FBro Day 11: Shitty Mornings
Fucking shitty morning.
Woke up with shitty momentum. Didn't get work done.
Hours lasped, and now the cycle continues.
This.
Is.
Bad.
PICK YOSELF UP BITCH.
Okay so things I need to do are a plenty
Updated List
SchoolworkReview Microeconomics -- Do Homework 1 - 4 again
Review Econometrics
Do Econometrics Assignment 1
Do Econometrics Mock Paper 1
Do Econometrics Exercises in the Book
ForgeCreate information series to teach people about learning
Research academic articles for learning to inform our process
Revamp Coding slides with better content
Map out future tech skills streaming
Compile Database of selling points - Sales Book
Compile Database of testimonials
Find A Central Location to move to
Talk to Eva to gauge interest
Talk to Heine in 3 months, see if we can get any links to the USA
Mobile Optimize WP Template -- Finish a landing page
See if we can pursue a wider scope
RelationshipSchedule time with Chloe
Social
Watch John Wick 2
Woke up with shitty momentum. Didn't get work done.
Hours lasped, and now the cycle continues.
This.
Is.
Bad.
PICK YOSELF UP BITCH.
Okay so things I need to do are a plenty
Updated List
SchoolworkReview Microeconomics -- Do Homework 1 - 4 again
Review Econometrics
Do Econometrics Assignment 1
Do Econometrics Mock Paper 1
Do Econometrics Exercises in the Book
ForgeCreate information series to teach people about learning
Research academic articles for learning to inform our process
Revamp Coding slides with better content
Map out future tech skills streaming
Compile Database of selling points - Sales Book
Compile Database of testimonials
Find A Central Location to move to
Talk to Eva to gauge interest
Talk to Heine in 3 months, see if we can get any links to the USA
Mobile Optimize WP Template -- Finish a landing page
See if we can pursue a wider scope
RelationshipSchedule time with Chloe
Social
Watch John Wick 2
Review/Cheatday Monday 1: 20 Feb 17
Review of the Week
Good:
Got good momentum on exercise and eating fruits/controlling diet/binge eating shit
Bad:
Exams and studies didnt do too well
Didn't spend time to properly manage my stuff
Overexpended
Processes:
1. Exercising Once A Day - Unrealistic -- let's keep it to 4x a week for a month, then graduate to HIIT daily for weekdays and gym weekends
2. Eating one meal a day with fruits/veg replacements -- This is a good habit that keeps my discipline up
3. Sleeping at 12am waking up at 730am -- Control of my time and management of my energy helps immensely
4. Planning my activities a week ahead and sticking to the plan -- Keeps me sharp
Okay guys this is it bye.
Good:
Got good momentum on exercise and eating fruits/controlling diet/binge eating shit
Bad:
Exams and studies didnt do too well
Didn't spend time to properly manage my stuff
Overexpended
Processes:
1. Exercising Once A Day - Unrealistic -- let's keep it to 4x a week for a month, then graduate to HIIT daily for weekdays and gym weekends
2. Eating one meal a day with fruits/veg replacements -- This is a good habit that keeps my discipline up
3. Sleeping at 12am waking up at 730am -- Control of my time and management of my energy helps immensely
4. Planning my activities a week ahead and sticking to the plan -- Keeps me sharp
Okay guys this is it bye.
FBro Blog Day 10: Fucking Shiteˆ2 + Cheatday Mondays
Yeah well fucking day today was quite wasted and spent senselessly.
I started the day with meeting Josh and Edwin to clear up the PT Metro project -- telling them I don't have the capacity to handle stuff, and dispensing whatever advice or thoughts I had to them...
Biz related - probably could be the first company I'm helping out as an advisor or what shit LOL.
Which is good, coz their model synergizes with my model. Which is great.
Anyways...
Was asked to accompany Chloe again, wasting a good 5 to 6 hours of my fucking life, and destroying the momentum for the day. Again.
This is the third day in as many days I am fucking losing it.
This is ridiculous and it's
MY FAULT
for letting my daily damnits go to shit.
FUCK
And jerry cb call me out say "Disappointed" and "if you say so mr lee" KNN
Fuckface i want to fuck him cb.
And I didnt have my dosage of healthy fruits today urgh
SO.
I concluded that my planning sucks shit.
And I did not think of how to recursively improve my own "code"
Which means I need to create a specific timing to look at stuff and review my week.
WHICH I WILL DESIGNATE AS REVIEW MONDAYS.
Ok and cheatday mondays.
Ok bye
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbxinUJcLGg
I started the day with meeting Josh and Edwin to clear up the PT Metro project -- telling them I don't have the capacity to handle stuff, and dispensing whatever advice or thoughts I had to them...
Biz related - probably could be the first company I'm helping out as an advisor or what shit LOL.
Which is good, coz their model synergizes with my model. Which is great.
Anyways...
Was asked to accompany Chloe again, wasting a good 5 to 6 hours of my fucking life, and destroying the momentum for the day. Again.
This is the third day in as many days I am fucking losing it.
This is ridiculous and it's
MY FAULT
for letting my daily damnits go to shit.
FUCK
And jerry cb call me out say "Disappointed" and "if you say so mr lee" KNN
Fuckface i want to fuck him cb.
And I didnt have my dosage of healthy fruits today urgh
SO.
I concluded that my planning sucks shit.
And I did not think of how to recursively improve my own "code"
Which means I need to create a specific timing to look at stuff and review my week.
WHICH I WILL DESIGNATE AS REVIEW MONDAYS.
Ok and cheatday mondays.
Ok bye
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbxinUJcLGg
Sunday, 19 February 2017
FBro Blog Day 9: What does it take to get a break?
So exhausted right now. Drama on relationship's end and much work to do on works end and much studying to do and much weight to lose.
Feeling quite demoralized recently but I just need to keep pushing... And really see if the relationship is truly for me.
Had another argument because I was supposed to have dinner with my parents but she demanded that we meet instead. Read: Demanded.
So what is this again another round of emotional blackmail? Makes everything I do feel so obligatory.
Then when I tell her so she gets upset and runs away.
Maybe it's because she's actually afraid that deep down if she doesn't demand things from me that I won't initiate or give things to her or that I'll care. Truth is this has been a theme of the relationship, and it honestly may be better that we break.
I don't know.
Super tired. See how la fuck
Which brings to me the fact that my personal energy is shit and all the momentum I gained the past 9 days is almost lost. Some residual clarity here and there but largely lost.
So irritating.
Feeling quite demoralized recently but I just need to keep pushing... And really see if the relationship is truly for me.
Had another argument because I was supposed to have dinner with my parents but she demanded that we meet instead. Read: Demanded.
So what is this again another round of emotional blackmail? Makes everything I do feel so obligatory.
Then when I tell her so she gets upset and runs away.
Maybe it's because she's actually afraid that deep down if she doesn't demand things from me that I won't initiate or give things to her or that I'll care. Truth is this has been a theme of the relationship, and it honestly may be better that we break.
I don't know.
Super tired. See how la fuck
Which brings to me the fact that my personal energy is shit and all the momentum I gained the past 9 days is almost lost. Some residual clarity here and there but largely lost.
So irritating.
Saturday, 18 February 2017
FBro Day 8: Better That We Break?
I almost broke up with Chloe yesterday.
Our dynamic is so strange. I need to reassess what's right and wrong about our relationship, and at it's core this dynamic is key.
In our relationship she has to be the one to put in the energy and initiative, or it will come out weird. Meaning I (sometimes) am just not willing. Da fuck.
Not to mention I feel that this can be super unhealthy for both her and I, for I keep taking, while she keeps giving.
ugh.
Anyways. We patched back together for a little bit... and I feel that the signs are telling me; not yet.
So. Not yet lah cb.
_______________
Speaking of which I ate putu mayam at night last night at 1 plus am. First time I ate something I shouldn't have for the duration of this program. Fuck.
Look's like I need to fucking step up.
_______________
Meeting the guys later for some workworkworkworkwork, and discussions.
Let's see where this leads us.
_______________
Going to gym now with Jerry. HEHEHEHE
kbye
_______________
Had a particularly intense strength based workout today. Quite Glad other than the deadlifts I was still able to keep up and in fact it was easier than I had imagined. This is going better than I could have planned.
On the negative side I'm not even sure about Chloe anymore or whether she will be an impediment to my growth. She's asking for things I'm not in the position to give, and she's emotionally shitting on me as always.
Might break up before end of February. See how things go.
Our dynamic is so strange. I need to reassess what's right and wrong about our relationship, and at it's core this dynamic is key.
In our relationship she has to be the one to put in the energy and initiative, or it will come out weird. Meaning I (sometimes) am just not willing. Da fuck.
Not to mention I feel that this can be super unhealthy for both her and I, for I keep taking, while she keeps giving.
ugh.
Anyways. We patched back together for a little bit... and I feel that the signs are telling me; not yet.
So. Not yet lah cb.
_______________
Speaking of which I ate putu mayam at night last night at 1 plus am. First time I ate something I shouldn't have for the duration of this program. Fuck.
Look's like I need to fucking step up.
_______________
Meeting the guys later for some workworkworkworkwork, and discussions.
Let's see where this leads us.
_______________
Going to gym now with Jerry. HEHEHEHE
kbye
_______________
Had a particularly intense strength based workout today. Quite Glad other than the deadlifts I was still able to keep up and in fact it was easier than I had imagined. This is going better than I could have planned.
On the negative side I'm not even sure about Chloe anymore or whether she will be an impediment to my growth. She's asking for things I'm not in the position to give, and she's emotionally shitting on me as always.
Might break up before end of February. See how things go.
Friday, 17 February 2017
I'm Dying.
160/100
Is a really high blood pressure.
Holy shit. Okay time to really control the diet.
Is a really high blood pressure.
Holy shit. Okay time to really control the diet.
6 strategies to lower blood pressure without drugs | ||
Lifestyle change
|
What to do
|
Potential reduction in systolic blood pressure (top number)
|
Reduce salt
|
Consume no more than 2 grams of sodium a day
|
5 to 20 mm (Hg for every 22 pounds lost)
|
Follow the DASH diet
|
Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, choose low-fat dairy products, and reduce total fat consumption
|
8 to 14 mm Hg
|
Lose weight
|
Reach and maintain a normal body mass index (BMI)
|
2 to 8 mm Hg
|
Exercise regularly
|
Get at least 30 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise on all or most days of the week
|
4 to 9 mm Hg
|
Limit alcohol
|
Have no more than two drinks per day if you're male, or one drink per day if you're female
|
2 to 4 mm Hg
|
Quit smoking
|
There is no safe amount of cigarette smoking; if you smoke, try to quit
|
2 to 8 mm Hg
|
Source: Hypertension. Harvard Medical School Special Health Report. 2011.
| ||
Welcome to the Grind
Rise and Shine.
6am and your hand can't make it to the alarm clock before the voices in your head start telling you that it's too early, too dark and too cold to get out of bed.
Aching muscles lie still in rebellion, pretending not to hear your brain commanding them to move.
A legion of voices are shouting their unanimous decision for you to hit the snooze button, and go back to dreamland.
But you didn't ask their opinion.
The voice you've chosen to listen to is one of defiance, a voice that says there was a reason you set the alarm in the first place.
So sit up, put your feet on the floor, and don't look back because we've got work to do.
Welcome to the Grind.
For what is each day but a series of conflicts between the right way, and the easy way. Ten thousand streams fan out like a river delta before you, each one promising the path of least resistance. Thing is, you're headed upstream.
And when you make that choice, when you decide to turn your back on what's comfortable, safe and what some would call, common sense...Well that's day one. From there it only gets tougher. So just make sure this is something you want. Because the easy way out will always be there, ready to wash you away.
All you have to do is pick up your feet.
But you aren't going to are you? With each step comes another. You're on your way now... but this is no time to dwell on how far you've come.
You're in a fight against an opponent you can't see but oh you can feel him on you heels can't ya. Feel him breathing down your neck. You know what that is?
That's you.
Your fears, your doubts, your insecurities all lined up like a firing squad, ready to shoot you out from the sky. But don't lose heart.
While they're not easily defeated, they're far from invincible.
Remember. This is the grind. The battle royale between you and your mind, your body, and the devil on your shoulder that's telling you that this is just a game, this is just a waste of time, your opponents are stronger than you.
Drown out the voice of uncertainty with the sound of your own heartbeat, Burn away your self doubt with a fire lit beneath you. Remember what we're fighting for and never forget that momentum is a cruel mistress.
She can turn on a dime at the smallest mistake.
She is ever searching for the weak place in your armour. That one tiny thing that you forgot to prepare for.
So as long as the devil is hiding in the details, the question remains: Is that all you got? Are you sure?
When the answer is yes. You've done all you can to prepare yourself for battle, then it's time to go forth and boldly face your enemy- The enemy within.
Only now you must take that fight into the open; into hostile territory. You're a lion in a field of lions, all hunting the same elusive prey with a desperate starvation that says victory is the only thing that can keep you alive.
So believe that voice that says you can run a little faster, and you can throw a little harder, and that for you, the laws of physics are merely a suggestion.
Luck is the last dying wish of those who believe winning can happen by accident; Sweat on the other hand is for those who know it's a choice.
So decide now, because destiny waits for no man. And when your time comes, and a thousand different voices are telling you that you're not ready for it, listen instead to that lone voice of dissent.
The one that says: You are ready, you are prepared... It's all up to you now.
So Rise And Shine.
6am and your hand can't make it to the alarm clock before the voices in your head start telling you that it's too early, too dark and too cold to get out of bed.
Aching muscles lie still in rebellion, pretending not to hear your brain commanding them to move.
A legion of voices are shouting their unanimous decision for you to hit the snooze button, and go back to dreamland.
But you didn't ask their opinion.
The voice you've chosen to listen to is one of defiance, a voice that says there was a reason you set the alarm in the first place.
So sit up, put your feet on the floor, and don't look back because we've got work to do.
Welcome to the Grind.
For what is each day but a series of conflicts between the right way, and the easy way. Ten thousand streams fan out like a river delta before you, each one promising the path of least resistance. Thing is, you're headed upstream.
And when you make that choice, when you decide to turn your back on what's comfortable, safe and what some would call, common sense...Well that's day one. From there it only gets tougher. So just make sure this is something you want. Because the easy way out will always be there, ready to wash you away.
All you have to do is pick up your feet.
But you aren't going to are you? With each step comes another. You're on your way now... but this is no time to dwell on how far you've come.
You're in a fight against an opponent you can't see but oh you can feel him on you heels can't ya. Feel him breathing down your neck. You know what that is?
That's you.
Your fears, your doubts, your insecurities all lined up like a firing squad, ready to shoot you out from the sky. But don't lose heart.
While they're not easily defeated, they're far from invincible.
Remember. This is the grind. The battle royale between you and your mind, your body, and the devil on your shoulder that's telling you that this is just a game, this is just a waste of time, your opponents are stronger than you.
Drown out the voice of uncertainty with the sound of your own heartbeat, Burn away your self doubt with a fire lit beneath you. Remember what we're fighting for and never forget that momentum is a cruel mistress.
She can turn on a dime at the smallest mistake.
She is ever searching for the weak place in your armour. That one tiny thing that you forgot to prepare for.
So as long as the devil is hiding in the details, the question remains: Is that all you got? Are you sure?
When the answer is yes. You've done all you can to prepare yourself for battle, then it's time to go forth and boldly face your enemy- The enemy within.
Only now you must take that fight into the open; into hostile territory. You're a lion in a field of lions, all hunting the same elusive prey with a desperate starvation that says victory is the only thing that can keep you alive.
So believe that voice that says you can run a little faster, and you can throw a little harder, and that for you, the laws of physics are merely a suggestion.
Luck is the last dying wish of those who believe winning can happen by accident; Sweat on the other hand is for those who know it's a choice.
So decide now, because destiny waits for no man. And when your time comes, and a thousand different voices are telling you that you're not ready for it, listen instead to that lone voice of dissent.
The one that says: You are ready, you are prepared... It's all up to you now.
So Rise And Shine.
Thursday, 16 February 2017
FBro Day 7: One Week
Time has flown by.
One week?
Tomorrow Morning I'm meeting barker, then I'm going to have to study econometrics.
Must also exercise.
____________________________________
Good Evening.
This is me at one week, and today has been the most restful thus far.
This morning I had a very wired meeting with barker because I had a shitty night's rest.
Turns out the energy of the teachers was good, and we had a good meeting.
I left to meet Chloe, and we had a good time hanging out I guess.
Well as usual whenever she comes over to my place it ends up in shit.
Fucking A.
Well fucking done. I am this much closer to not taking shit.
This much.
____________________________________
Going to crush econometrics tonight. wish me luck.
One week?
Tomorrow Morning I'm meeting barker, then I'm going to have to study econometrics.
Must also exercise.
____________________________________
Good Evening.
This is me at one week, and today has been the most restful thus far.
This morning I had a very wired meeting with barker because I had a shitty night's rest.
Turns out the energy of the teachers was good, and we had a good meeting.
I left to meet Chloe, and we had a good time hanging out I guess.
Well as usual whenever she comes over to my place it ends up in shit.
Fucking A.
Well fucking done. I am this much closer to not taking shit.
This much.
____________________________________
Going to crush econometrics tonight. wish me luck.
FBro Day 6: How much does it really cost?
So I am 2 hours away from my mid-term exams for Microeconomics.
I can safely say I am 70% there, from a 0% 3 days before.
That's not bad considering I did 0 homework throughout and didn't even look at the notes other than the times in class.
IF I HAD ONE DAY MORE.
One week more, what could I do?
I could master the subject.
That's right.
Which means that my delaying of 1 week, caused me at least 30% in terms of my mid-term grade.
totally not worth it, and a stupid mistake to make.
I absolve to never do this again, because it's just a stupid way to play; in terms of utility maximization this is like the stupidest decision ever with extraordinary risk that can be avoided.
retard.
Sigh.
________________________
I was right about the above. On the dot exactly.
What to do? Just keep working I guess.
I was quite burnt out during this paper; I dont think I will fail too badly, I think many others will fail too...
But the worst kinds of mistakes are made when you know you could have done it, but didn't.
fucking hell.
Anyways, just reached home from a date with da girl.
ok lah. I need to go to sleep because the hustle begins tomorrow.
What did I not do? I did not exercise.
Fuck.
I can safely say I am 70% there, from a 0% 3 days before.
That's not bad considering I did 0 homework throughout and didn't even look at the notes other than the times in class.
IF I HAD ONE DAY MORE.
One week more, what could I do?
I could master the subject.
That's right.
Which means that my delaying of 1 week, caused me at least 30% in terms of my mid-term grade.
totally not worth it, and a stupid mistake to make.
I absolve to never do this again, because it's just a stupid way to play; in terms of utility maximization this is like the stupidest decision ever with extraordinary risk that can be avoided.
retard.
Sigh.
________________________
I was right about the above. On the dot exactly.
What to do? Just keep working I guess.
I was quite burnt out during this paper; I dont think I will fail too badly, I think many others will fail too...
But the worst kinds of mistakes are made when you know you could have done it, but didn't.
fucking hell.
Anyways, just reached home from a date with da girl.
ok lah. I need to go to sleep because the hustle begins tomorrow.
What did I not do? I did not exercise.
Fuck.
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