Day 24: Archangels

And today I spoke to an angel.

Kylie came back to suddenly want to talk to me... and we caught up, and she's just the sweetest. My emotional connection with her is very strong, and I think that contributed much into the results of the session.

We started talking but ended up with coaching. And I'm so glad I have met someone like her. And perhaps sad that she's moved on with someone else. HAHA.

But then again the timing wasn't right and I wasn't ready for it.

So yeah.

But she's one of the people I can interact with on a very deep emotional level... + consciousness, it becomes something else entirely. Which is good because our talks have been very productive thus far.

We started talking about chloe. What conclusions did we come to?
1. She's a little emotionally stunted
2. Her thought processes are quite warped/siao siao.
3. Hard to feel a connection with her emotionally.

Which are things that I've felt deep down but never dared to say.

I... realize that when meeting her friends or going out with her I feel quite embarrassed of her. In the sense that I know emotionally she's rubbing people the wrong way, or that she's a little emotionally retarded...

And yet I keep giving and hoping for progress. Why? At the cost of myself, my family and my dreams and my life.

I realize after this talk with K that I've forgotten about my own wellbeing, and that Ive been giving too much away. Too much to too many people... and neglecting myself.

Is this true? It is... it is very true. And I am paying a very high price.

She talked about boundaries and self respect, needs, wants and tanks and what is an affordability. Well... these are concepts and perspectives that are not new to me. I already know these things.

I cannot afford. I want more emotional connection, support for entrepreneurship, and a more conscious existence.

And the reason why I am entering into relationships that are fucking crazy - is because I am trying to save someone whom I didn't manage to save back then. My dear dear mummy. Whom I love so much.

I am now entering relationships looking for stronger women / demanding women who will want to get their way, and I will punish myself by placating them, and giving in to them for their ways. Why? Because I am trying to right the wrong that I perceived back then. That I need to save mi madres.

wow. Kahyan, and now Chloe. Toxic is so many different ways, but in many ways also the same.

What is going on?

Other than this I need to ascertain my baseline and my macro focus for my life. What my equation is, and whether or not this relationship fits into my equation.

Well. I already know the answer.

I can't see myself marrying her as of now. What makes me think she will change?

Ugh.