Losing One's Self

Honesty.

Honesty is quite the conundrum. Living with honesty is quite difficult.

Because in order for you to live with honesty, or maybe a better word to describe it would be Integrity- means you have to confront aspects of yourself that are both good, and bad.

And sometimes when you aren't able to confront the aspects of yourself that's disappointed you. Then you actually really begin to live a lie.

Lie.

Deep down, if we are aware enough of what drives us, what truly drives us then we realize that we do not necessarily want to live by the values that have been thrust upon us. Or in this case more appropriately - values that we've adopted as defence mechanisms.

Like - oh I'm just not cut out for working with people in SMU. Or that I'm just not one to care about appearances. Or that being popular and making many friends is not something I actually really want.

Then slowly but surely we start to dissociate ourselves and give ourselves excuses - oh it's all fine, i'll be okay myself. digging myself into the hole. Hating my existence in the place, and not reaching out to expand myself.

Hiding behind the guise of "there is no right answer in life", we rationalize our excuses for living less; being less than who we could be. And giving multitudes of excuses - i'm too poor now, i need to focus on a instead of b. Or i'm just not cut out for this specific subject abcxyz.

But deep down, the truth always sorta prevails. We get triggered at certain scenarios, conditions, confrontations, THINGS that happen outside that are mirrors of versions of ourselves that we've lost. Or never even fully dared to pursue in the first place.

How foolish, and how fearful.

Then as time goes by, those parts of us start to die, those dreams start to fade, and we end up lesser than what we could be, should be, are.

How pathetic.

We rationalize and say we accepted the circumstance, that we chose it.

These are the words of an dishonest man, one who has turned his head from life, and decided to bury a hole in the ground, and stick his head into it. Ignorant and afraid.

In the eternal words of Gibran - I am become the puritan. The deadliest of them all. Deadly because I've expounded higher values to cover up the fear of effort and industry.

So how, oh how can the soul truly be bare, and bathe naked in this toxic place?

I am bereft. I am truly bereft. Of course the soul is not heartened. Of course the fire is quelched,

What lies I've fed to my own heart. How I've abused and neglected my body.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. and it must follow as the night the day,
THOU CANST NOT THEN BE FALSE TO ANY MAN.

Of all people, I should fucking know better.