Nobody Said It Was Easy

It's really quite painful.

how much things start to get more and more difficult, the worse your situation gets.

pressure will pile up, layer upon layer.

details will slip. one by one.

and one day you wake up and realize, what have I done?



I wish I could turn back the clock to 2009. I would have studied harder. Much harder.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2013, I wouldn't have chased her.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2014, I would have worked harder.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2015, I would have told him earlier.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2010, I would have been more open.


I wish I didn't eschew so many things I loved and appreciate. People, social interactions, mastery in my craft. All these are now dead and gone, mere shadows of what they used to be.

Even worse, I've made enemies of allies. Turned into strangers with friends, and walked away from chances to make myself great.

And in a blink of an eye, I am 25 years old.

When I was 18 I promised myself I would be able to make it by 20. Two years is a long time. It's been 5 years since then.

Retaking the A-Levels.

Taking the Jules LOA.

Why am I such a fucking loser. Why can't I just do the things I'm presented with. Why must it hurt me so. Why do I give so many excuses?

Why am I so afraid? Why am I so dejected? Why do I reject myself?

7 years old - in Primary school - I promised not to trust people.
9 years old - at home - I promised to build a company my family would rely on. because I couldnt trust them to do it themselves.

But look at me. Look at me. Look.

How can I say I will do it convincingly? I'm crushed. Flailing. Hyperventilating. Panicking.

People who weren't the sharpest tool in the shed managed to secure a Masters in Oxford.

People who used to be relegated to hell, the scum of my school, have secured jobs as Investment Bankers.

Then what am I? What have I done? What can I do? What should I do?

Tell me.

I've no internships at name firms. I only have the path I've forged for myself. A path fraught with twists and turns, treacheries and dashed hopes. A path whose future is so foggy, I cannot say for certain whether I will make it out alive.

This and my parent's financial situation behind me.

More than having a fucked up degree, I've lost the most important thing.

I've lost belief in myself, and I'm just scrambling to grasp at straws.

In days past the old me would have said that I was playing too small. I would have tried to dean's list the damn thing just to make a point. The way I did it in Barker. But now, I didn't dare to believe any longer.

I'm afraid to believe because deep down inside I think I've already failed. I'm not enough. I don't have enough in me. I can't do it. It's too difficult. I am not talented enough.

I've choked enough times already. Failed at things I should have no problem handling. Who am I to give Chloe advice when Goldman is a firm 1000 times better than anything I've ever set foot in or even worked with?

Who am I to walk amongst men and say I know my craft, to lead people older than me. Graduates.

Am I just a charlatan?

I do not know any longer.

I'm desperate for anything to work right now. I can take anything. Give me anything and I will take it.

Please. Give me something.

I need it.

I need to respect myself again. I need things to stop falling down.

I need to stop falling down.

Stop falling down.
Stop.
Falling Down.

Stop.

Dont slip.

I can't breathe.

I can't think.

I ... I'm stuck.

help.

hlep me.

Please.

I don't know what to do anymore.