We have an ideal set of results

The eternal question about life is, do we achieve that?

Optimism and Pessimism colours our perspective

There's no need to hope if you're on the way there. If you want something you just go and get it.
What are things that I want but I'm not getting?

Compare myself to my 100% - What am I not getting?

Survival
Relationships
Results

Being objective isnt about how I feel - it's devoid of that feeling - Do A get result A. Simply put.

I need to stop feeling sorry and attaching so much emotion to all the shit i am doing.

Individual Subjective
Individual Objective

Collective Subjective - culture
Collective Objective - The Establishment (POWER IS HERE)

Successful selling and management skills get you wins

-Must do my work
-Must be responsible and work as hard as i can
-Be honest with myself
-Cut down distractions, addictions cover things up
-Trust the method
-Do more, and get beyond - don't touch the excuses - just fucking do it
-Fail? you fail. nothing to it. just push harder.

There are formulas to everything - and all u need to do is do
Acts of courage - don't worry and don't suppress. Just dont fucking care.
Have a peak experience everyday

Defence Mechanisms
Passiveignore
avoid
shock
freeze
play dead
denial
regression
stonewall
shutdown

Mixed
Passive-Aggressive
Renewal - Half assed keep restarting
Schizoid Fantasy

Aggressive
rationalizing - in head - "everything is ok"
justifying - out of head
lying
suspicion - think & doubt myself/person
skepticism - want proof
judging - judge others
projection - attack someone else using another image
sadistic attack
masochistic attack
hypochondriasis
gathering agreement
wilfullness - purposely show force
rebellion - overthrow
covert hostility
sarcasm

What are my default choices + sequences?
1. Judging
2. Ignore
3. Projection
4. Regression
5. Renewal
6. Lying to myself and to others
7. Shut down
8. Rationalization

-These defence mechanisms arent bad on their own. just that under different conditions, can I control them? and if I'm out of my comfort zone this stuff kicks up. It's NOT ok-

Get used to breaking comfort zone - must self impose or die

People find a way to worm their way into their Comfort Zone if they havent expanded it yet. So pay attention to when you need to stop and switch the defence mech off.

Have I stopped questioning reality? YES.
Don't stop man. The things I think are normal aren't normal and are programmed. So the big question is, who am I?

We are all schizophrenic 
-we create different parts of our ego
-we have different voices in our head - the self smasher, the hopeless romantic, the raging orge, the hasty rebel, the focused leader, the immovable object, the unstoppable force, the catatonic fuck, the indulgent baby
-We dont know who we are because we are actually many people - and this is also why we do not have discipline
-Different personalities - talk about the Mansion analogy
-Chaos vs Order - truth is order takes a fuck load of effort
-All the days I took it easy, will come back and haunt and fuck me

-Khalil Gibran's The Great Sea
-I've shrunk. because i've stopped pushing against the comfort zone, expanding the comfort zone and questioning what reality truly is. With a verified test.

I have forgotten!

So what do I wanna create?
- my ideal health and body
- the experiences I still want to find
- the skills and learning i want to experience
- the organization i've founded

My company's growth is limited to my own personal growth as the founder.
-Get rid of bad habits
-Get rid of physical barriers
-AOC daily
-Consistent small actions change reality

What's my perfect day?
I wake up early to sit down and chill, and meditate, and plan what to do for the day. (I actually think my preferences and strengths and "vision" will change as I become a greater version of myself. So in this case, it's me learning shit fucking fast and well.)

Learnt some shit, expanded my consciousness through an AOC or three, run my own hedge fund? or my own tech company...

Eat some nice ass well developed food created by my own company.

Learning Mental, Physical, Intuitive, Musical skills always. Probably building a legacy sometime too.

Master my mind, to master myself, to master my reality. Be, Do, Have.

There are maps provided for the world - use a good one. and make a smart move.

Smart objectively - instead of how i "feel"

Speed has nothing to do with time. Time is something we dont yet truly understand.

To grasp principles you need to let go of your Examples - need to get a statistically significant sample size to see whether it works or no

There's a price to pay for speed - likewise a price to pay for everything else

The world does not function as a hierarchy of needs. It functions as a hierarchy of functions.
- see things for what they are, and what you do must work in this world. If it doesnt work? then you know something is wrong. Ever measured what works and what doesnt?

-Believe nothing, verify everything

-environments are compensations for people too!

-your happiness is your own, nobody can make you happy

"How do you really want to be a contribution to this world?" - only transcendence as a possibility. no end point. In opening up my own possibilities, I let others see what they can do too...

"What possibility do you offer?"

"What are you willing to do to fulfil your purpose?"

dont give up until the end. do everything i can think of. what did i notice?
X - Directly affect milestones
Y - Supporting Actions that fuel X
Z - Actions that kill me

Objectivity comes with the price of our will.
Training of will - how much control do I have in my body?
Discipline - everything is a place to be, a way to set-up

For all our goals, we need certainty.
Which means whatever I put down on paper/pixel, I make it come true no matter what.
Discipline is the ability to do whatever is necessary to make things happen
It happens every single moment in your life.
If you don't do your work, your energy will just drop. You need to get into a cycle, which is why the timetable is now crucial
Juggling time - precise, concise and tangible goals - with contingency plans, structured where you know your priorities and gain momentum.

Maintaining focus - clear distractions + clear clutter

Attitudes to hit 100%
1. The Desire
How alluring is my dream? Precise, Sharp, Concentrated. How much will I want?
2. The Will
How long can I maintain it?
Replay the end point in my mind
What opportunities are there after the dream?
3. The ability to overcome all barriers no matter what
External - environmental/exogenous
Internal - Negative conversations, dogs, lunatics, tramps, householders

Fighting my machines is linked to how much  ENERGY I invest into making this work. The more energy I dedicate to a certain machine, the more power I give to the machine.

Who you are determined what you do, and what you get as results.

_______

Branding is everything - basically your life philosophy and how you live. how you dress. who you hang with. what you say. who you ARE.

Needs to be clarified
Be Constant
And be Consistent across all media

Suitable? - specialization and reliability - clear?
Visible? - Attention and awareness - constant?
Memorable? - Potential and affinity? - consistent?

Who Are You? We are not our roles

Why do we do what we do? - What is a compelling reason for others to buy the product, service or company? Why should they care?

Brand Story - real, innovative, informative and inspiring

How do we do it? - USP

What do we do exactly? - 60 Second Elevator Pitch
Who we are, what we do best and for whom do we do it?

I am a ____ (what you want people to perceive you as)who ___ (what you do best)
for ____ (your target audience)
so they can ____ (resultant impact made)
-Fill a void (emotional needs)
How can you make the world  a better place?
-Create something new
-Do less. Focus on a single service and do it well.
-Collaborate with specialist partners. Become a resource, MOU and co-refer
-Evolve your business model as you and your life evolve

Brand manifesto -
Brand vision, principles and values I live by, practices that forward, grow and inspire me. Attitudes I adopt. things we teach or impart. The brand essence and promise


"Defying Gravity"

Day 38: Yeah

Clutter Cleared Thus Far:

Next steps for the biz is on this blog.
Checked with paypal re: transfer of money
todo: plan study schedule for Micro Macro and Econometrics
practice spanish for 30 mins today
eat fruits only for detox
BATHE u fking animal!

ok.

Today's objectives are to complete Econometrics Assignment 2, and to practice spanish and to summarize smart pricing.

_____

I realize that my junior/compadre is a MFA Scholar. HAHA he won the PSC scholarship and will be deferring military service to go to LSE instead.

WHAT IF'S WE MEET AGAIN.

ok stahp pls.

Day 37: Integrity

I have fallen off the bandwagon.

Fuck this shit.

I need to restore Integrity and this is how I will do it.

Clearing Clutter:
I will list down daily 5 clutter/s I clear

(Settle HP Bill, Buy a fucking book stand, get a fucking backpack that works with all my shit, settle chloe, READ smart pricing, talk to massi about pricing game theory, set up consults with all profs once a week next week and twice the week after,

Daily Damnits:
I will sleep at 11pm and wake up at 6am DAILY
I will attend a fitness first class a day
I will study at least 8 hours a day
I will not eat any fried food or processed sugars
I will Check Off one thing on the business plan
I will silence my phone and stick to the fucking game plan
I will not let myself get detracted by interruptions
I will make a log of my time and the things Ive done (on paper)
I will meditate in the morning and evenings daily

Business Plan
**Create CRM and Schedule our instructors ALREADY**
**Start Selling!**
70% quantum on the pre-existing market out there

1. Finish Pitch Deck for Investors
- Section by Section Breakdown
- Finish marketing spiels playbook from examples
- Brand it as super friendly and super community-like
- Revenue / Costings Plan / Projections

2. Set up meetings with one investor a week (Call)
- Jeff Chi
- Eddie Chau
- Kwok Yuen

3. Change website to reflect different audiences
- O Levels / General Learning / Professional Upgrading
- Include ease of use CRM + Payment

4. Operations
- Create an Operations SOP
- Learn from Examples
- Set up Bank Account + Create payment gateways / POS's / Administrative Sets / Data Mining tool

CIOAA / SCS / NTUC / NYC / SINDA / IMDA / PRIVATE SCHOOLS / ACSI / ACJC / ACS (INTL) / ACS(P) / ACS(J) / Digipen / SST / NUS (HIGH) / Schools that DONT offer coding - use a seasoned educator to make inroads / Certification Body? / PRESCHOOL MARKET OMG / Maker Faire Thingy / SUTD /

5. Logo & Brand Image
-Forge Logo
-Rename First Principles?

6. Manpower and Skillsets to Acquire or Build
- Digital Marketing
- Sales (Taylor)
- Teaching/Education
- Coding Tutors (One on One)
- Accounting/Finance
- Art
- Foreign Hires strategies - The People overseas who can speak english and understand technology and can teach in XYZ manner - Banglas, Indons, Malaysians (Our Salary here is much higher)

7. Create content strategies for FP
- Media Strategy
- Book Publishing strategy
- Tech Symposium / White Papers / Commentary on the State of Technology / Work w Big HR guys to determine skills of the future / Evolution of Jobs / Future Ready Economy Symposium
- Tech Appreciation Nights - Speakers talk about technology / serves as previews for our courses
- Where the fak to get volunteers

8. Guerilla Marketing Strategies
1. What's the purpose of my marketing? - What single act do I want the customer to take? (come for a free trial class dumbass)
2. What's the SINGLE best Competitive Advantage? (Personalized one-on-one classes for their child in technology. Technology training ground) - "Tech Mentor"
3. Who's my real target market? (Parents who want to enrich their children with skills of the future)
4. List of Marketing Weapons:
Digital Marketing Calendar, Identity, Stickers, Personal Letters, Maximized WOM referrals, Personalized Emails, Blogs, E-Books, Joint Ventures, MEDIA ATTENTION, Video Testimonials, Published Articles, Textbooks, Employee Attire, Teaching Abilities, Stories, Benefits List, Competitive Advantages, EZ Access to Capital, Lead Buying, Brand Name Awareness, Positioning, Name, Meme, EASE for Customer w/ uncompromising value, quality, service, selection, MOU, MONTESSORI 2.0, attention to detail
5. What do I stand for? - "When people think of my brand what do they think?" - TOP QUALITY (long term, healthy, nurturing, well thought out, best-in-class, credible)
6. What's My Identity? - What do I truly stand for? - Love, Activism, Empowerment, Human Right
7. What's my marketing budget as % of gross revenue?

Positioning: says what my clients want so they bash my door down - their perception.
Who is my target market, what am I really selling? -- Does the position offer a benefit they really want? Is it an honest to goodness benefit? Does it truly separate me from my competitors? Is it unique or difficult to copy?

Need a better name - Page 273
Mantra: "Freedom Through Technology"

What one thing can I say that positions me as the only company in the world that can do it? (Making the Steve Jobs of tomorrow)
Make it Profit Oriented
Aim my strengths directly at weaknesses of the competitors
(Bachelors only, rigourous screening, most no of instructors in SG, industry partnered and verified, customized and individualized for each child, proper early childhood development advice)
Don't Let Price Lead the damn thing
TV Radio etc
MAKE A PARENTS SUPPORT GROUP?
PARENT/CHILD KITS & PRODUCTS / LESSON MODULES (videos) - sell at 75 per pack - get from China

copywriting tips
-benefits list
-Know: customers, current events, prospects, economic trends, competition, our own offerings, equivalent business elsewhere, our community, our own industry, successful advertising,
-think: INDIVIDUAL
-copy must be: readable, strategic, motivating, informative, clear, honest, simple, competitive, specific, believable

Exec Summ
1. Problem - opportunity and pressing problem
2. Solution - what's my answer
3. Business Model - Who are my customers, how will I make money?
4. Underlying Magic - What makes us special?
5. Marketing and Sales Strat - what's the go to market strat?
6. Competition - who are they? what can we do that they cant? what can they do that I cant?
7. Projections
8. Team
9. Status and Timeline

Pitch
"This is what my company does ___" - Get investors thinking about potential of the company, and size of the market

TIPS:
Projections are likely unrealistic
XYZ going to sign us - play the card only after purchase order is signed
If key employees are ready to rock and roll, get them to call up and say this shit. if not, dont just say. provide testimonials
State we have relevant industry experience, are going to do whatever it takes to succeed, surround ourelves with advisors and directors who are proven and will step aside when necessary
Show realistic appreciation for the difficulty of building a big company

Strategy Tips:
compnies need to mnge better the uncertinties tht coloer ech strtegic decision
Companies cant predict the future - exogenous shocks will always subject themselves
Commitments that all successful strategies entail and the uncertainties attendant to those commitments - rest of soln lies in calibrating focus of each level of hierarchy to the uncertainties it faces - more senior, longer time horizons -
Address your firm's risk profile and address it appropriately

Bizplan
focus on exec summ
write for my own purposes
make it solo
pitch then plan
20 pages max
one page projection +key metrics
write deliberate, act emergent

Financial Projections
underpromise overdeliver
forecast from bottom up - revenue wise
dont go beyond 12 - 18 mths
reforecast every 3 mths
Dont let costs run ahead of revenue
collaborate with investors
think in terms of per unit profitability
plan for marketing costs - it's a marketing equation
create a one page report - stick to it
never ever miss a cost projection

EXECUTION
SMART Goals
Take away all foo foo goals
Communicate the goals
Establish single point of responsibility for goals
Follow through on an issue until done or irrelevant
Reward achievers
Establish culture of execution
Listen to the adult supervision

SELL DIRECT TO CUSTOMER

NAME
Letters early in alphabet
Employ verb potential
Sound Different Spell Different
Logic
Avoid Trendy
Avoid Generic

The Art of Branding
Seize Moral High Ground
Create ONE message
Speak in terms my parents will understand
Focus on PR - Evangelism
Frame by being true to yourself, "damning with faint praise, align with core values and draw first blood

_____

Be the Gorilla
Sell, dont enable buying - Seminars, Presentations by Execs and schmoozing
Find key influencers
Give customers less information - let them engage in wishful thinking
Make prospects talk
Disrupt then reframe
Cut the hype
Enable Test Drives
Provide a Safe, Easy first Step

Evangelism
ACSBR PSG
The key to great evangelism is a great product -
Deep - can last long, not a singular function
Intelligent - Intentionally Well Designed
Complete - All aspects, documentation, feedback about progress, teacher's POV, Online Communities, GREAT TOTAL USER EXPERIENCE
Elegant - works the way people expect it to - incorporate ECI model
Emotive - Incites action - Deep, indulgent complete; people bring good news to help others - make beauty - the children are our product

---> Evangelists - a way of life, where they totally love products and sees it as a way to bring the "good news"  - A love of the cause is 2nd most important, 1st is the QUALITY of the cause
Look for agnostics, ignore atheists - people usually get it in first 10 minutes or never get it at all. dont bother changing minds
Localize the pain - people buy aspirins or vitamins to supplement their lives
Learn to give a great demo - excite
Ignore pedigrees
Dont Lie
Give evangelists schwag

_____

PR
Editor chooses, or what reporter WANTS to cover
Know what the reporter is interested in, angle the solution
High-level access and storyline relevant to readers

_____

Snr Eng - 0.3 - 0.7
Midlevel Eng - 0.2 - 0.4
Product Manager - 0.2 - 0.3
Architect - 1.0 - 1.5
VP - 1.5 - 3.0
CEO "adult supervision" - 5 - 10%

Day 29: Let There Be Light

I need to commence some detox regime -

Instant gratifications have led me to a path of hell.

Though I would like to adopt a more long-term perspective, I'm going to take an extreme approach just so I can build momentum + I don't have time.

1. Detox Social Media
2. Detox Youtube
3. Time Journal Every Bracket of time for maximal consciousness and tracking - on paper for now.
4. Detox computer time - If I am not doing work, I do not get on the computer
5. I will get 1.5 hours of game/digital time online
6. If I am doing work, I should do it with only one internet tab open and one workstation tab open

Let's see where this leads me.

Fred-

Day 28: Whiling away and inertia

I was supposed to get something done while meeting with Stanley but it appears that I've gotten quite messed up.

Stanley has this crazy chaotic lunatic machine... that can cannibalize energies and spaces. Fucking lame.

So I'm just trying to get shit in place and get things going but though well-intentioned, it comes across very forced and unnecessarily rigid. 0 flow whatsoever.

Seriously.

So I ended up wasting a large part of yesterday with these shenanigans. Please remind me that when I meet him I must give him a very specific direction and instructions. Open ended teamwork brainstorming doesn't work the best with the guy.

Okay.

Then I came home and wasted time. The End.

Day 27: What's going on? / 32 DAYS BEFORE FINALS / 30 TOPICS TO COVER

I realize that I've been super inefficient recently. Like it doesnt matter what i've been doing- Like other than the spanish test this Monday the rest of the week was spent whiling away to be honest.

That's fucking fucked up. I need to turn back to the days of the start of this blog... where I was at least trying to be efficient and studying really hard.

Got back my midterms results for microecons and its a fucking piece of shit.

I need to clear the space and my energy, and email the profs for all my mods to turn on catch-up mode. If not I will get rekt.


From now till 12 - 15 April (Finals) and the attendant assignments - I think I'm going to fail a majority of my mods if I don't truly catch up. Fuck me.

32 DAYS BEFORE FINALS

I will leave today and tomorrow to clear up the biz related work - then have to start working on the exams once again.

Today -
1. Finish the paddy shit

2. Meet Xavier
3. Email professors - Arrange Consults for after lunches - 1pm onwards each day, weekly.
4. Translate Spanish Script
5. Get started on Macroeconomics - Look through the notes
6. Think about getting andy to freelance some shit up, or any other artist friend of his - 2D Art

Tomorrow -
1. Walk through SM Content with Stannis
2. Create content calendar
3. Get ready to prepare a marketing budget for the SM Calendar

Fucking shit. It's like I try to do both but end up not being able to do so. URGH

Day 26: Birthdays

Was an okay day, not bad with lots of time spent but the money equation always comes into play - limits our choices and causes no small amount of undue stress on each other. Sigh.

Painful times.

But times we can go through. Had a crazy a f gym session thats still hurting lol wtf chloe is damn fit.

Spartan Workout apparently.

400m run, 20 pushups, 20 lunges each leg + bulgarian bag, 20 deadlifts with 30kg total, 20 crunches and 20 ball smashes (LOL). x 4

at my fat fuck state i think i almost died.

then we went to im kim and ate like fucking kings, and i figured out the best way to cook the meats so proud. so nice. omg.

NEXT TIME GO AGEIN

Day 25: People Watching

I love people watching. It's really Linda calms me down and gives me space to focus. Call me old school but there's this serenity where you sit down in front of office blocks as people walk by you.

And I'm reminded that in the midst of an impossible winter, as long as I live congruent to my values there will exist an eternal, never-ending summer.

And also reminded that without my own volition for my life and without making a strong choice that I own, I can hardly call my life mine.

And regardless of whether my team feels discouraged or whether obstacles come down raining... I am reminded that the mission I embark on is one of defiance.

And one that will take decades to happen. Haha. I need to take a fucking chill pill and spend time on the things that matter... The things that truly inspire and the things that I know are important.

With this in mind life becomes very simple. And takes on a clarity that I've not felt in a while... And a serene peace.

Good.

Now this is living.

I hope you find yours too bro. Jiayou for your interview later.

Day 24: Archangels

And today I spoke to an angel.

Kylie came back to suddenly want to talk to me... and we caught up, and she's just the sweetest. My emotional connection with her is very strong, and I think that contributed much into the results of the session.

We started talking but ended up with coaching. And I'm so glad I have met someone like her. And perhaps sad that she's moved on with someone else. HAHA.

But then again the timing wasn't right and I wasn't ready for it.

So yeah.

But she's one of the people I can interact with on a very deep emotional level... + consciousness, it becomes something else entirely. Which is good because our talks have been very productive thus far.

We started talking about chloe. What conclusions did we come to?
1. She's a little emotionally stunted
2. Her thought processes are quite warped/siao siao.
3. Hard to feel a connection with her emotionally.

Which are things that I've felt deep down but never dared to say.

I... realize that when meeting her friends or going out with her I feel quite embarrassed of her. In the sense that I know emotionally she's rubbing people the wrong way, or that she's a little emotionally retarded...

And yet I keep giving and hoping for progress. Why? At the cost of myself, my family and my dreams and my life.

I realize after this talk with K that I've forgotten about my own wellbeing, and that Ive been giving too much away. Too much to too many people... and neglecting myself.

Is this true? It is... it is very true. And I am paying a very high price.

She talked about boundaries and self respect, needs, wants and tanks and what is an affordability. Well... these are concepts and perspectives that are not new to me. I already know these things.

I cannot afford. I want more emotional connection, support for entrepreneurship, and a more conscious existence.

And the reason why I am entering into relationships that are fucking crazy - is because I am trying to save someone whom I didn't manage to save back then. My dear dear mummy. Whom I love so much.

I am now entering relationships looking for stronger women / demanding women who will want to get their way, and I will punish myself by placating them, and giving in to them for their ways. Why? Because I am trying to right the wrong that I perceived back then. That I need to save mi madres.

wow. Kahyan, and now Chloe. Toxic is so many different ways, but in many ways also the same.

What is going on?

Other than this I need to ascertain my baseline and my macro focus for my life. What my equation is, and whether or not this relationship fits into my equation.

Well. I already know the answer.

I can't see myself marrying her as of now. What makes me think she will change?

Ugh.

Day 23

as a matter of fact i am now quite depressed AGAIN.

Yay me.

fucking machines are damn strong, I need to want to disarm them and not give in so much.

I also need to do my goddamn spanish homework and prepare for the test, which I am not exactly prepared for ugh.

And focus on doing things relating to the business plan later today so I can meet Xavier and discuss productively.

He could be our genuine CTO tbh.

--

But last night i relapsed again, and sprained my back. while sneezing summore.

fucking joty - joke of the year.

KNN

The emotions are going wild as usual; I don't wanna live like this.

What have I done? Don't Look Back.

What have I done?

Today I found out that one of my closer friends, Julian is about to buy his first condominium. Meaning, he's about to buy his first house, and he's younger than I am.

How does that make me feel?

Honestly?

Jaded. Jealous. Upset at myself. Definitely inferior - I haven't told my girlfriend that yet, because if I did she would compare me and sing his praises. Afterall, amongst most of my inner circle, she's his most outspoken supporter.

He's younger than I am by a year, and I've spoken to him multiple times as a senior to a junior. But if I truly sit down and think of his circles - he's evolved quite a bit this time. Hanging out with the most successful bankers around... definitely a good move.

He's been playing his pieces well, and in a focused dedicated manner. From securing his academics in a safe course, to pushing himself to work for his father, to making friends and linking up with others whom he might be able to add value to, and whom add value to him.

How have I been playing my pieces?

-I've focused on two things at once, tearing myself apart. - not achieving greatness in one or the other.
-I've been moshing around with my girlfriend, not sure if I'm getting married with her or not.
-I've been wasting time, wasting two years - A Levels + Jules
-I've squandered the money earned during the Jules period on expenses spent for the Jules period.
-I've no longer term financial goals as of now, other than the inexplicably far away idea that I want to be a billionaire.
-Have I truly made progress? No. I have not. I've moved from stupid experience to stupid experience, and I fear I am labelling it as "experience" or paying my dues, or getting the needed expertise.
     But this is not how experience is gained.

I need to remember before I do anything, what I am willing to put in, what I want to get out of, and when are my stop-points.

I have been living very sloppily.

I have not been striving to improve my circles. I adopt an arrogant stance towards everyone. I adopt a very irresponsible view towards my own university education. How can I say that I am someone who wants to lead the world forward towards newer frontiers?

How?

I know I am able to interact with people on the Chief Executive level because oftentimes I understand and can grasp the issues they face, the big picture strategic considerations. But proximity to power does not indicate power...

And I always mistake the two...

And mas importantes, I am a cocky motherfucker. I think I hide behind my cockiness because I don't want to admit that I may not be as great as I think I am. Oh it is so easy to eschew responsibilities for a more arrogant view.

The fucking emperor with no clothes. That's what I am right now. A walking talking hypocrite.

I need to admit this. Get this out of my system first. What money have I truly made?

As one of my friends has said:

"And I treat you like god, because you are so much more experienced than I am."

But what results do I have to show for all this? Truly? What results?

I set my mobile phone password to 1755 previously, because at the end of my Year 4 in SMU, I would like to graduate with 1.755 million in my bank account. I never told anybody this because I want this to be something I do well for my parents so they don't have to worry, and so that I can get started with a dece amount of money.

But the truth is that looking at the odds, looking at the different opportunities in front of me, looking at the realities of the situation...

I need to step up and don't ever look back. Don't ever look back...

That would likely help me succeed than not.

It calls me

There are moments in time where you feel so connected with a subject that you know it's going to be something you dedicate your life to.

In spanish they call your work, "A que de dedicas?"

And its real, true meaning is, "the work you dedicate your life to"

And I stumbled upon a youtube video today that made me feel very strongly about what my life's work should continue to be. There is no single right answer for everyone, but there is an answer for everyone...

this just happens to be mine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdUCndZfEzQ

And the song speaks of the emotion latent in my heart. It speaks of hope, possibility, yet set behind the tragic pain of growth, and subsequently, loss, and the never-ending flipside of growth-entropy. Destruction. And chaos.

In many ways the use of technology and advancement can be said to be metaphors for the battle between dark and light.

Will people use technology and the beautiful skills bestowed upon us for the greater cause? or will we succumb to our basest instincts and react out of fear?

I choose to fight.

I may not have enough right now for survival, but I won't give up walking, and I think I'll get there.

I pray to whatever Gods may be that I can do my part in this world, for this world. I can't think of anything more meaningful.

https://soundcloud.com/exurbia-1/tracks

Day 22

Shit I woke up at 9 plus.

Probably had something to do with a sleep debt and the stupid workout yesterday.

But this whole misintegrity thing reminds me of this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYDnQwi3OQ

It's a good song that talks about heroin addiction.

But seriously even without heroin, our own machines and habits are as good as heroin.

Fuck that.

Gotta kick the habits.

Anyways, have to keep going on spanish.

Day 21: Serious FOMO

Seriously feeling some FOMO right now.

I just realized I haven't been living my life to it's fullest like today...

When this phrase sorta hit me.

To all parents-to-be, GO AND BE FREE. GO. DO WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. TRAVEL. BE ROMANTIC. BE FRIVOLOUS. BE YOUNG. You’ll need to draw strength from these moments when *fast forward* you suddenly find yourself up at 3.26am groggy and grumpy and wondering how on earth you ended up with this little human in your arms.

And i realize i'm definitely living small. Especially with the relationship, and with how i'm doing my life.

No sense of progress, dreams all over the place... what do i truly want?

A part of me; the single part of me is screaming... I want to party. Drink. Smoke. Hang out and make (more) statements with the way I live my life... and enjoy everything god's gift to men has to offer. in all their splendour, and intricacies.

I want to go out more, be out there more, have the space and presence to make more friends in school.

My youth is slipping from me; I am 25 this year. What the fuck does that even truly mean?

It's been 7 years since J2 and TCC.

It's 70% through a decade.

Next year and it's the decade anniversary for Sec 4.

What have I done since then?

What have I experienced?

What price did I pay? For what reward?

-

All I am saying is that it's been a few years since I told myself that I wanted to truly live. Freely.

But things get more difficult as we grow older don't they? Doesn't the clarity and peace of youth slowly get replaced with the chaos, burden and uncertainty of responsibility?

They do. It does. And I'm definitely not living.

nowthisisn'tliving-

-

So what would I want to do to live?

I want to be the best version of myself physically, mentally and emotionally.
I want to play music, express myself in sound
I want to be a little bit of a stoner. HAHA like go to festivals, smoke drink and just be a little tragic for a while.
I am starting to get tired of the whole entrepreneurship narrative - it is getting old. and it is getting tiring...very tiring.
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to do stupid things with my hair
I want to travel the world, as i've said i wanted to for so long
I want to fall back in love. What I'm doing now is hardly considered as truly living. With chloe nonetheless. But with anyone else, this is sure as hell not considered living. It's existing in a fucking bubble of comfort and regression.

I dont like it at all.

I think Shawn Khuhan's got something right going on.


And honestly. It's been too long since I've actually practiced these "living" muscles.

HAHA.

Okay okay okay okay I am ultimate confronted now.

I need to do an act of courage a day. And I am obviously squelching. fuck

-

OK i posted the above at 5plus AM this morning. it's currently 4pm and I've gymmed, eaten with chloe and met the spanish ta to handle the details for monday.

I am super sleepy now, and it's strange because it's a weird timing to feel sleepy.

I chose to do my act of courage today with BodyAttack - a class held in FF. I didn't know the extent to which they relied on explosive leg movements though. I ended up with 45 minutes of ridiculous jumping, hopping, and lateral movements that pulverised my knees and legs haha.

Did it pay off? I think it did. It's good cardio and should be something I do on a daily basis.

-

Anyways, I am going to do some spanish, until about 9pm before going to sleep. :)

Fred-

Day 20

I did not so shit yesterday nor today.

Bad.

I went to meet jerry to drink like a fucker.

And sit around doing nuts.

I slept at 930pm last night btw.

Woke up at 12 -- thinking it was 5am.

Body clock what up?!

Then went back to sleep.

Post continues the next day. urgh

Day 19: Still in Hell

Every damn fucking day, something fucks up in my face damn badly.

Today in the morning I woke up to a torrent of complaints from chloe, attacking me and how i cannot do this do that do a b c 1 2 3 x y z how my time management is so horrible and how i cannot get things done and action being the name of the game.

I am level 10,000 triggered right now, and I know she's right, but a part of me fucking hates the way she puts it across in an accusatory manner. Notwithstanding the fact that she was the first person to fucking shit on me in the first place. Especially since the Artemis date and it's consequent meltdown.

I am so tired of this shit. I can't even go on a break with her without having shit slung at me. What the fuck man.

Shes obviously being nice and still loves me but i think her emotions are going out of whack, and her out of whack emotions are causing me no small amount of distress in this already very distressing week.

Schoolwork, residual bullshit from hell, relationship, entrepreneurship work, family worries, catching up.

All these things are equally important and valid for me to clear as time goes by... But im having a very hard time dealing with them right now because the pressure is piling up and I'm giving myself excuses.

So if I were to stop giving myself excuses and get to work what would I do?

I would start by focusing on making plycards for spanish, and getting myself familiar with the spanish homework.

Spanish Crash Course first.

Then I need to make sure I eat well today and try to exercise.

Before I go to class and do Microecons, I need to get in at least 6 hours of spanish today, another 6 hours of spanish tomorrow.

Then the monster consult with Kartika. And then more spanish on saturday -- add another 6 hours and sunday, another 6 hours.

For the website I need to launch a second campaign changing the price and changing the CTA asap.

I know what to improve already. I think I'll do it later in the day.

All fruits today to clear up the system. eating shit has not been helpful.

kk

Fred-