Starting New Things Is An Addiction

My personal addiction.

Starting things and not seeing them through.

THE END.

LEARNING POINTS

1. Take advantage of the early points of class to catch up beyond the current syllabus
2. Ensure that midterm preparations begin 3 weeks before midterms - Week 4
3. Use the midterm opportunity to master the first half of the subject
4. On a weekly basis, after each class, read up and understand the concepts learnt.
5. Day 1: Re-summarize class learnings in separate notes + Give practice questions a try
6. Day 2: Memorize class learnings and re-do practice questions
7. Day 7: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions
8. Day 14: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions

I think this is how all the top students top their classes. It's not that they're geniuses. Even so I've not seen one yet LOL

Okay next sem i'm going to take alot of finance mods to buff up.

Cheerio fags

The truth

And i guess i must admit that since JC i was afraid. Afraid to compete with these academic powerhouses, content to stick in the place I'm most comfortable in, with nobody to judge me, to push me, but myself.

The darkest sides of my soul knows that i gave it up in part for the love of entrepreneurship but also the fear of competition and failure.

For failing at this stage will relegate me to the dogs. Outcast and separate from those who can. And then what of my promised land? Where would be my milk and honey?!

So no. Don't compete Fred. You know you will lose. Stay safe in your own way. Walk your own path. That way nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. Take it late, rush every time papers near, so if you fail it would not be because you're not good enough. But because you didn't have enough time.

And in this process, forsake also the learning and growth these developing years affords you. Choose to learn from elsewhere instead.

Forsaken.

So now we all know don't we. The fraud I've made myself out to be.

This has to stop. The joke can't continue. The facade is cracking. The curtain is falling.

Oh demons. It's time again to face you. May i summon the strength in me to fight.

New York New York

I wanna wake up in a city that doesn't sleep and find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap.

I'll make a brand new start of it, in ole New York..

If i can make it there i can make it anywhere...

It's up to you, New York New York.

The discovery of delusion. When you realise all your "competence" or "confidence" is quite falsely obtained, that you have a very long way to go, is quite demoralizing.

Yet it offers the attractiveness of the promise of new beginnings. Of new starts I guess.

But starting anew again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again can't lead to a wonderful life can it.

Does it not only lead to pain and regret and wasted opportunity?

In this sense i must thank Chloe. For pushing me to work on areas I've chosen to ignore.

And this leads to another question. What more of forge?
-

Neuros

Knutson had proven that dopamine is for action, not happiness. The promise of reward guaranteed that participants wouldn't miss out on the reward by failing to act. What they were feeling when the reward system lit up was anticipation, not pleasure.

Evolution doesnt give a damn about happiness itself but will use the promise of happiness to keep us struggling to stay alive.

And so the promise of happiness- not the direct experience of happiness- is the brain's way to keep you hunting, gathering, working and wooing.

There are few things ever dreamed of, smoked, or injected that have as addictive an effect on our brains as technology.

This is how our devices keep us captive and always coming back for more.
Our reward system gets much more excited about a possible big win than a guaranteed smaller reward, and it will motivate us to do whatever provides the chance to win.

This is why people would rather play the lottery than earn 2% interest in a savings account, and why even the lowest employee in the company should make believe that he could someday be CEO.

What's A Real Man?

IF.

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

How poignant a passage, so fraught with truth and advice

   Easy these words may be to speak, a lot harder to take in life

I wish I remember these phrases of old, to keep in my heart and hold
For life is a journey that crosses the pits of both the warm and cold

They also say that Getting Better is a Campaign

A daily, weekly, hourly FIGHT.

An incessant fight that doesnt stop-

A neverending battle against temptations, weakness, laziness.

A campaign of discipline, hard work and dedication.

It's about waking up early, going to bed late and grinding out every second in between,

Every Single Day

Once we find our discipline, guts, drive, passion and will,

there, we will find our freedom.

Nobody Said It Was Easy

It's really quite painful.

how much things start to get more and more difficult, the worse your situation gets.

pressure will pile up, layer upon layer.

details will slip. one by one.

and one day you wake up and realize, what have I done?



I wish I could turn back the clock to 2009. I would have studied harder. Much harder.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2013, I wouldn't have chased her.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2014, I would have worked harder.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2015, I would have told him earlier.

I wish I could turn back the clock to 2010, I would have been more open.


I wish I didn't eschew so many things I loved and appreciate. People, social interactions, mastery in my craft. All these are now dead and gone, mere shadows of what they used to be.

Even worse, I've made enemies of allies. Turned into strangers with friends, and walked away from chances to make myself great.

And in a blink of an eye, I am 25 years old.

When I was 18 I promised myself I would be able to make it by 20. Two years is a long time. It's been 5 years since then.

Retaking the A-Levels.

Taking the Jules LOA.

Why am I such a fucking loser. Why can't I just do the things I'm presented with. Why must it hurt me so. Why do I give so many excuses?

Why am I so afraid? Why am I so dejected? Why do I reject myself?

7 years old - in Primary school - I promised not to trust people.
9 years old - at home - I promised to build a company my family would rely on. because I couldnt trust them to do it themselves.

But look at me. Look at me. Look.

How can I say I will do it convincingly? I'm crushed. Flailing. Hyperventilating. Panicking.

People who weren't the sharpest tool in the shed managed to secure a Masters in Oxford.

People who used to be relegated to hell, the scum of my school, have secured jobs as Investment Bankers.

Then what am I? What have I done? What can I do? What should I do?

Tell me.

I've no internships at name firms. I only have the path I've forged for myself. A path fraught with twists and turns, treacheries and dashed hopes. A path whose future is so foggy, I cannot say for certain whether I will make it out alive.

This and my parent's financial situation behind me.

More than having a fucked up degree, I've lost the most important thing.

I've lost belief in myself, and I'm just scrambling to grasp at straws.

In days past the old me would have said that I was playing too small. I would have tried to dean's list the damn thing just to make a point. The way I did it in Barker. But now, I didn't dare to believe any longer.

I'm afraid to believe because deep down inside I think I've already failed. I'm not enough. I don't have enough in me. I can't do it. It's too difficult. I am not talented enough.

I've choked enough times already. Failed at things I should have no problem handling. Who am I to give Chloe advice when Goldman is a firm 1000 times better than anything I've ever set foot in or even worked with?

Who am I to walk amongst men and say I know my craft, to lead people older than me. Graduates.

Am I just a charlatan?

I do not know any longer.

I'm desperate for anything to work right now. I can take anything. Give me anything and I will take it.

Please. Give me something.

I need it.

I need to respect myself again. I need things to stop falling down.

I need to stop falling down.

Stop falling down.
Stop.
Falling Down.

Stop.

Dont slip.

I can't breathe.

I can't think.

I ... I'm stuck.

help.

hlep me.

Please.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Back Again

But it's been hell.

Momentum is very fragile; a wrong slip could cause everything to come crashing down on my face.

I've been very unfocused the last few weeks. There were a few spots of sunshine, but come tomorrow I have no more time to sit around and not practice any longer.

Tomorrow marks the start of me doing practice papers and flash carding them the fuck up. This will be important because if not I will not be able to even pass. And i'm so stressed right now it's not even funny any longer. There's Micro, which content I will be finishing off today, and Econometrics, which I need to just practice because I've gone through the content a few times but it's the linkages between the questions that get me.

So later I'll go do Micro and Macro.

Macro - finish the Business Cycles theory + Keynesian Model + Solow Growth Model

__


Micro - Finish up Chapter 11/12 and 13/14 and all the way.

Fak

And get the goddamn questions printed mate ffs.

Ok guys bye.

Fred-