Losing One's Self

Honesty.

Honesty is quite the conundrum. Living with honesty is quite difficult.

Because in order for you to live with honesty, or maybe a better word to describe it would be Integrity- means you have to confront aspects of yourself that are both good, and bad.

And sometimes when you aren't able to confront the aspects of yourself that's disappointed you. Then you actually really begin to live a lie.

Lie.

Deep down, if we are aware enough of what drives us, what truly drives us then we realize that we do not necessarily want to live by the values that have been thrust upon us. Or in this case more appropriately - values that we've adopted as defence mechanisms.

Like - oh I'm just not cut out for working with people in SMU. Or that I'm just not one to care about appearances. Or that being popular and making many friends is not something I actually really want.

Then slowly but surely we start to dissociate ourselves and give ourselves excuses - oh it's all fine, i'll be okay myself. digging myself into the hole. Hating my existence in the place, and not reaching out to expand myself.

Hiding behind the guise of "there is no right answer in life", we rationalize our excuses for living less; being less than who we could be. And giving multitudes of excuses - i'm too poor now, i need to focus on a instead of b. Or i'm just not cut out for this specific subject abcxyz.

But deep down, the truth always sorta prevails. We get triggered at certain scenarios, conditions, confrontations, THINGS that happen outside that are mirrors of versions of ourselves that we've lost. Or never even fully dared to pursue in the first place.

How foolish, and how fearful.

Then as time goes by, those parts of us start to die, those dreams start to fade, and we end up lesser than what we could be, should be, are.

How pathetic.

We rationalize and say we accepted the circumstance, that we chose it.

These are the words of an dishonest man, one who has turned his head from life, and decided to bury a hole in the ground, and stick his head into it. Ignorant and afraid.

In the eternal words of Gibran - I am become the puritan. The deadliest of them all. Deadly because I've expounded higher values to cover up the fear of effort and industry.

So how, oh how can the soul truly be bare, and bathe naked in this toxic place?

I am bereft. I am truly bereft. Of course the soul is not heartened. Of course the fire is quelched,

What lies I've fed to my own heart. How I've abused and neglected my body.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. and it must follow as the night the day,
THOU CANST NOT THEN BE FALSE TO ANY MAN.

Of all people, I should fucking know better.

Starting New Things Is An Addiction

My personal addiction.

Starting things and not seeing them through.

THE END.

LEARNING POINTS

1. Take advantage of the early points of class to catch up beyond the current syllabus
2. Ensure that midterm preparations begin 3 weeks before midterms - Week 4
3. Use the midterm opportunity to master the first half of the subject
4. On a weekly basis, after each class, read up and understand the concepts learnt.
5. Day 1: Re-summarize class learnings in separate notes + Give practice questions a try
6. Day 2: Memorize class learnings and re-do practice questions
7. Day 7: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions
8. Day 14: Memorize class learnings and re-attempt practice questions

I think this is how all the top students top their classes. It's not that they're geniuses. Even so I've not seen one yet LOL

Okay next sem i'm going to take alot of finance mods to buff up.

Cheerio fags

The truth

And i guess i must admit that since JC i was afraid. Afraid to compete with these academic powerhouses, content to stick in the place I'm most comfortable in, with nobody to judge me, to push me, but myself.

The darkest sides of my soul knows that i gave it up in part for the love of entrepreneurship but also the fear of competition and failure.

For failing at this stage will relegate me to the dogs. Outcast and separate from those who can. And then what of my promised land? Where would be my milk and honey?!

So no. Don't compete Fred. You know you will lose. Stay safe in your own way. Walk your own path. That way nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. Take it late, rush every time papers near, so if you fail it would not be because you're not good enough. But because you didn't have enough time.

And in this process, forsake also the learning and growth these developing years affords you. Choose to learn from elsewhere instead.

Forsaken.

So now we all know don't we. The fraud I've made myself out to be.

This has to stop. The joke can't continue. The facade is cracking. The curtain is falling.

Oh demons. It's time again to face you. May i summon the strength in me to fight.

New York New York

I wanna wake up in a city that doesn't sleep and find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap.

I'll make a brand new start of it, in ole New York..

If i can make it there i can make it anywhere...

It's up to you, New York New York.

The discovery of delusion. When you realise all your "competence" or "confidence" is quite falsely obtained, that you have a very long way to go, is quite demoralizing.

Yet it offers the attractiveness of the promise of new beginnings. Of new starts I guess.

But starting anew again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again can't lead to a wonderful life can it.

Does it not only lead to pain and regret and wasted opportunity?

In this sense i must thank Chloe. For pushing me to work on areas I've chosen to ignore.

And this leads to another question. What more of forge?
-

Neuros

Knutson had proven that dopamine is for action, not happiness. The promise of reward guaranteed that participants wouldn't miss out on the reward by failing to act. What they were feeling when the reward system lit up was anticipation, not pleasure.

Evolution doesnt give a damn about happiness itself but will use the promise of happiness to keep us struggling to stay alive.

And so the promise of happiness- not the direct experience of happiness- is the brain's way to keep you hunting, gathering, working and wooing.

There are few things ever dreamed of, smoked, or injected that have as addictive an effect on our brains as technology.

This is how our devices keep us captive and always coming back for more.
Our reward system gets much more excited about a possible big win than a guaranteed smaller reward, and it will motivate us to do whatever provides the chance to win.

This is why people would rather play the lottery than earn 2% interest in a savings account, and why even the lowest employee in the company should make believe that he could someday be CEO.

What's A Real Man?

IF.

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

How poignant a passage, so fraught with truth and advice

   Easy these words may be to speak, a lot harder to take in life

I wish I remember these phrases of old, to keep in my heart and hold
For life is a journey that crosses the pits of both the warm and cold

They also say that Getting Better is a Campaign

A daily, weekly, hourly FIGHT.

An incessant fight that doesnt stop-

A neverending battle against temptations, weakness, laziness.

A campaign of discipline, hard work and dedication.

It's about waking up early, going to bed late and grinding out every second in between,

Every Single Day

Once we find our discipline, guts, drive, passion and will,

there, we will find our freedom.